College: The New Girl* on the Block

Noah Offenkrantz

It was mid-June when 17-year-old Cornellia Brown moved to Radnor, Pennsylvania. *(For the purpose of this article, since the author is a male, the new student will be portrayed as a female; please feel free to swap out/ modify the gender as applicable.)* Cornellia immediately had the attention of every boy from the Willows to the Mall. She was absolutely magnificent. It wasn’t just her fine architecture that demanded such attention, however. It was her intelligence, her yearning to discover VERITAS; it was the extracurricular opportunities in which she was involved; it was her superb quality of life, which yielded unparalleled confidence. As if that weren’t enough, Cornellia descended from a long line of wealth. Thus, her household facilities were state-of-the-art, and her employee to family-member ratio was nearly 5 to 1. Not only were the cooks in her household whipping up some of the finest stir-fry in the world, but also her book collection, ranging from the Gutenberg Bible to Shakespeare’s first folios, numbered in the thousands. Other than a few concerns (for example, she spent too much time with her older sister in med school and not enough time with her younger sister in a premed undergraduate program), Cornellia was perfect.

It was natural then that the eyes of every senior boy, and even those of some ambitious juniors, were glued on Cornellia during the first day of school in mid-September. The race had started.

When boys passed Cornellia in the hallway, they straightened their backs and puffed out their chests, praying for some sort of eye contact. Cornellia knew that these boys were interested. How could she not? Nonetheless, Cornellia didn’t give off any signs of interest, other than an occasional text mistaken for a sincere emblem of approbation. And, with Cornellia’s head turned in the other direction, the boys of Radnor High School realized that they would have to start stepping up their games. Within days, the membership of Model Congress and the Young Political Groups quadrupled as handfuls of students all of a sudden found within themselves a vibrant and blossoming concern for American politics. The most eager, those who had always dreamt of dating a girl like Cornellia, established a Groupme to collaborate on the best methods for wooing this prized gem. The students would state their qualifications: “6’4”, brown eyes, varsity quarterback. What are my chances?”

Rankings, carved into the metal bathroom stall doors (which don’t actually exist at Radnor High School), had Cornellia’s name on the top. Someone had written, “Cornellia Brown is a human female that was born in 1998. Cornellia’s setting is suburban, and her height is 5”6’. She utilizes an event calendar with puppies on the front. Cornellia Brown’s ranking in the 2016 Edition of Best Humans is 1.” (Credit U.S. News website).

Unfortunately, Cornellia could only have one suitor. Thus, although hundreds of Radnor males had sent her handwritten essays, sometimes even edited by outside sources, detailing their life experiences and unique qualities that would mesh with Cornellia’s offerings, and although scores of parents had sent her red roses, Cornellia’s decision was practically based off of the flip of a coin.

So on Valentine’s Day, when Cornellia sent out her final decisions, all but one of those students was left questioning their own self-worth.

But it doesn’t have to be like that. Friendships don’t have to be jeopardized, self-esteems don’t have to be drowned, this simple denial does not have to mean all out rejection. Because, the truth is, there are hundreds of thousands of girls just like Cornellia. Maybe their names don’t carry the same weight as the renowned Cornellia Brown, and maybe they don’t have original Shakespeare folios, but that doesn’t define their potential to bring happiness.

Notes about the author: the author is also attracted to Cornellia