BREAKING NEWS: Morning Announcements Actually Not That Bad

Nick Speranza

In a groundbreaking new development, sources across the school have confirmed that today’s morning announcements were actually good. “We normally don’t even pay attention to them,” told an anonymous Radnor student of the historical achievement, “but today we were impressed.”

The announcements started on a strong note when they opened with the Parks and Recreation-style opening, which provided a welcome rest from the grinding EDM and dizzying camerawork of the other intro. With no microphones left on by accident, the stream opened with an almost eerie silence, only broken by a ‘Good morning, Radnor!’ in an unusually well-rested tone. As the list of last night’s sports highlights began to follow, Host 1 and Host 2 were almost correct when articulating last names in Japanese and Hindi and German. Other, more intellectual students heard their names too, receiving praise for non-athletic activities such as Ultimate Frisbee or Ethics Bowl. The green screen stood firm and unwavering while the two hosts talked, making it feel like the anchors actually were standing inside a stock photo of a newsroom.

Uninterrupted by the usual freezes and internet drops, the broadcast flowed silky-smooth out of hundreds of SMARTBoard speakers into the ears of captivated students. “Normally it doesn’t get through the list of colleges visiting Guidance without crashing,” said another anonymous student, “but today we could hear them stumble over every single one.”

Across the school, different demographics of students had different reactions to the sudden increase in quality. Freshmen were observed looking up from their Honors Biology homework to watch history in the making, and most juniors allegedly managed to stay awake during the entire thing. At press time Radnorite informants couldn’t interview any sophomores about the Announcements, since all 300 of them started their day in school bathrooms cloaked in a mango-scented nicotine smokescreen. The senior class’ opinions are also unknown, since the three seniors that actually show up before 8 A.M. were unwilling to comment.

Now that the Morning Announcements have reached this milestone, their staff are now hard at work improving the viewing experience further. Inside information currently suggests that they are funneling thousands of Krispy Kreme fundraiser-dollars into a better playlist for the credits: by 2020, they plan to add at least two new songs to their existing rotation consisting of Year 3000, Livin’ La Vida Loca, and an Elton John compilation album.