Student Shatters All-Time Tardiness Record

Andrew Rosin

63 days into the 2018-2019 school year, a Radnor High School Senior set a new American record for most consecutive days late to homeroom in a traditional 4 year, 180 day high school program. When added to the previous three years of schooling, during which he was late every day that results in a grand total of 603 tardies. This smashes the previous record of 602 days late set back in 1908 in Des Moines, Iowa by a 4th year freshman.

“Being late every day for this long is no easy task,” says senior, Bartholomew Timotheus, in a memoir titled 603*.  “It requires one to carefully not plan for each school day. It also requires a strict lack of respect for all pre-established times.” This chronic tardiness also places significant strain on the kid’s family: “My father works as a horologist in Philadelphia, but missed the train every day when he was driving me late to school. Thank Kronos that I have a family that is invested in my goals.”

The means by which this student was late were actually quite fascinating, as it  included waking up late and showing up tardy to school Monday through Friday. At around Day 601, administrators became concerned that this student might actually have a preexisting condition causing repetitive tardiness. Doctor’s hypothesized that the condition is genetic with the student having 13 times too many recessive alleles controlling his prefrontal cortex. There was a drug produced for this, called Amphetamine Aspartate Monohydrate, but considering that its trial was run in December of 2012, it seems that this student is just a bit too late for it. Unfortunately, this drug is said to get adolescents addicted to punctuality. They can also build up a tolerance for Amphetamine Aspartate Monohydrate. Some even began mixing it with other addictive substances that make you show up to events weeks, months, or even years in advance.

The attendance office did not play a significant role in his quest, but did point out a “Multiple Attendance Codes” on his attendance record back on April 12, 2015. This could have compromised his streak; however, it was resolved after becoming evident that the mark simply denoted a medical excuse. Timotheus tripped on an Oak tree root on his way to being late to school back in January and was simply unable to participate in gym class. Additionally, administration is not predicted to punish the student, for they are otherwise preoccupied by sending out Schoology messages three to four times a day. And nobody is sure who actually filled Mr. Thomas’s role of Dean of Students after he became a Vice Principal.

As for the student in question, he has his eyes set on the reward for this remarkable feat: “What started my journey was a quick trip through the Student Hand Book my freshman year, on which page 47,236 I read that any student consistently tardy would win a free week long stay at the Glen Mills School. I sure hope to qualify for this immersive program, and would be beyond excited for the opportunity if I do.” David Stango, who doesn’t even work at the school anymore, further commented on his actions: “Radnor High School is extremely proud of him, and would love to recognize his unique achievements at the School Board Meeting next November. I really would have cared about this back when I worked at RHS, but frankly I’m not sure why you’re even asking me for a quote at this point.”

 

* 603 is predicted to be published this December; however, fans should not be surprised if work in the binding division is delayed and the book is not published until several months later.