Spoiler Outbreak: Avengers and Game of Thrones

Josh Jones

Two new strands of the spoiler-enza virus have recently been detected, coinciding with the recent releases of Avengers: Endgame and new episodes Game of Thrones (GoT).  While there is some debate, the new strands are believed to be two of the strongest scientists have discovered, matching, if not exceeding the strength of the strands following the releases of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and Stars Wars: The Force Awakens.  If you haven’t found a seat in the nearest movie theater or opened your HBO Now app on your television or cell phone, it is urgent that you take precautions to avoid infection (often referred as “getting spoiled”). Luckily, in respect to the new spoiler-enza viruses, individuals who have not formed an attachment to the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and/or Game of Thrones are relatively immune, as experts say that, “the strongest effect felt by those who have yet to engage in the movie franchise or television show would be potential disappointment if they find themselves engaging in either, following infection”.  However, the effects for those who have fallen in love with the iron clad Tony Stark and hunky bastard Jon Snow are reportedly more concerning. While there has yet to be any cases of death, upon having their favorite franchise spoiled for them, fans are said to be immediately stricken with sudden silence or intense feelings of sadness and/or anger, which can lead to fits of violence. Reportedly, on the opening night of Avengers: Endgame a middle-aged man wearing a Captain America inspired, “I Luv Big Shields” t-shirt was found surrounded by popcorn, convulsing on the ground, with Cherry Coca-Cola foam around his mouth after overhearing a married couple argue about the ending of Endgame.  The man came to only three hours later saying, “Although I’m sad that eleven years worth of storytelling has been ruined for me, I’m mostly concerned about other eager fans who were like me. I wish there was someone out there to defend me.”

 

Following these statements, medieval and superhero-styled vigilante groups are allegedly hiding in the shadows, incapacitating those out to spoil Game of Thrones and Avengers respectively.  While President Donald J. Trump has been relatively “flippy-floppy” on Twitter as to his stance on this rise in vigilantism, most other government officials are completely against the movement.  For those wondering how to avoid the virus without the aid of overweight men in spandex, medical experts have recently released a list of the best ways to avoid spoilers. The most common safeguard from spoilers in public locations is stuffing earbuds into your ears and blasting music as loudly as you can.  Additionally, while many deem it socially unacceptable to shove your fingers into your ears while singing “la la la”, experts suggest that, if desperate, it is worth it to take even the most ridiculous measures to avoid the virus. Members of the public have recently pointed out that these tips only ensure protection in public locations, leaving people vulnerable in the war zones of social media sites such as Twitter, Reddit, and YouTube.  In response, experts say that absolute technological shutdown/abstinence is the whole way to ensure avoidance, but for many that is an unrealistic measure, especially if you are attempting to stream MCU movies or GoT episodes in an attempt to catch up. For people who are unable to rip the plug on their internet access, avoiding both posts from untrustworthy social media users (such as those found on Reddit) and comment sections of YouTube are suggested strategies.  Additionally, blocking “that friend” on all of your mobile devices is a must. A woman now in custody who would like to keep her identity anonymous reported that she blocked her “b*tchy friend” on her cell phone but forgot to on her tablet. While she was watching GoT, said friend sent her a text message spoiling a major character death. The anonymous woman was later arrested for attempted murder.

 

Recent reports have also suggested that the creators of these media franchises have also been affected by the virus.  Many directors and writers have presumably spoiled major plot points for their series prior to the release of their movie, episode, book, etc.  In the past two days, J.J. Abrams announced that at the end of Star Wars Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker, Jar Jar Binks will be revealed to be Rey’s mother, Matt and Ross Duffer said that in the final episode of Stranger Things season three Steven Spielberg’s E.T. will make a cameo appearance and have a slap fight with Eleven, and George R.R. Martin stated that “in The Winds of Winter Jon Snow will have a thirty page love scene with a white walker and a dragon”.