Everything is Bigger in Texas, Including the Death Tolls!

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Tom Fox


Akshay Sethi

Texas Governor, Greg Abbott, brought an end to state-wide mask mandates and restrictions on March 2nd, bragging that, like everything else, state Coronavirus death tolls are simply bigger in Texas.

“Big is what we’re known for. Big trucks. Big hats. Big electric bills, brought on by decades of systemic deregulation of our power grid system that overall ended in a big ol’ disaster. Big is who we are,” said Abbott. “And if we can cram enough unmasked people into a Dallas Fuddruckers, I believe we just may have the biggest gosh-darn death toll from a preventable virus that we’ve known how to manage since April of 2020.”

Supporters of Abbott have applauded the decision, explaining that the Texan value of being number one at things outweighs everything. “This is Texas,” said Marla Martinez, a registered Republican. “That means we don’t come second in nuttin’, whether that be football or gosh-darn covid deaths.”

“Will future generations remember me if I pass away from a disease that I picked up on a non-essential trip to Marshalls to buy a whole ‘nuther pair of boots? No. But will everyone remember the Alamo? Yes dad gum it!” Martinez commented

Governor Reeves of Mississippi also ended mask mandates and revoked distance guidelines, in keeping with the state value that Mississippi should always be a backwards place to live.