On the eve of midterms, 567 students self-report COVID cases

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Last night, on the eve of midterms, a staggering 567 students reported that they tested positive for COVID. Of these 567 students, 565 used at-home tests to report their positivity. These students were able to use at-home tests thanks to a policy change on January 9th, when Mrs. Kevgas sent out an email approving the use of at-home positive tests for students.

To earn an excused sick absence, students must send in a picture of their at-home positive test to the RHS administration. To fake these

 positive tests and get out of midterms, students have gotten desperate. The Radish’s investigative department got a hold of one of these positive tests and found traces of red-ink in the second line that denotes a positive test. Other students submitted the following photo from Shutterstock but unfortunately forgot to remove the watermark.

The rapidly growing demand for convincing pictures of positive tests has sparked the black market sale of photos. “They go for $50 apiece,” reported a Junior who tested positive for covid three months ago, but conveniently kept a picture of his positive test. “I’ve got a whole marketing system down. First, you really just need to remind the clients of the terror they will feel going into midterms, and then convince them that delaying their exams with a positive test is the only option,” said this anonymous positive test-picture dealer. 

Photo from a Radish correspondent

The adjacent picture just sold for $66 to a desperate student who realized that they could not in fact remember all 732 vocab cards in one night.

Unfortunately for students, the administration has caught on to this devious picture-swapping. Now, in addition to sending in a positive test, students must come in to prove that they are symptomatic. This involves traveling to Junior Lot, coughing into a megaphone, and blowing one’s nose under the observation of an RTSD official. Students from the Radnor Actors Workshop have also been able to turn a profit, offering online instruction for “how to fake your symptoms, COVID’s newest acting challenge.” In extreme cases, after students have reported losing their sense of taste and smell, they’ve had to eat bites of raw onion to prove that they have truly lost their sense of taste. 

Some unfortunate students forgot to take a picture of their positive test within the 15-minute window. After neglecting the positive test for 20 minutes, the second line denoting a positive case had disappeared. When the student explained this to the RHS administration, they  replied with their go-to-phrase: “no positive test, no rest.” They also informed the student that if they missed their midterm for this unexcused absence they would receive a zero. Terrified of losing 10% of their grade, the student suited up with a double KN-95 mask and went in to take their midterm.