In the wake of Radnor administrators requiring students to place their phones in pouches during class, high schoolers have experienced collective symptoms of withdrawal. Additionally, the sudden loss of their consumer base has prompted the entire tech industry to declare bankruptcy.
“From a financial perspective, this news is very unfortunate. I was so excited to announce our new line of technetium phones,” remarked a local man who claimed to be the CEO of Apple. A team of seasoned Radish investigators were unable to verify his identity.
Meanwhile, many students are feeling distressed, having been limited by the policy to only one source of digital distraction during class- their archaic laptops. A disturbing message was recently posted on a social media site: “If I have to play one more Wordle game instead of checking my Weather app or Here Comes the Bus, I swear I’m going to bend my student ID card in half.” Experts have suggested restructuring the counseling department again to provide students with a Technological Issues counselor.
The controversial rule has also created a thriving network of crime. Decoy phones and empty cases have flooded class pouches. Administrators are issuing Schoology warnings cautioning about illegally manufactured phone cases. “Some of them are actually made with shards of glass, which give them a glossy appearance. That’s why I’ve nicknamed them ‘moonshine.’ I’m proud of myself for inventing that never-before-used term,” declared a smug health teacher.
As the crisis at Radnor continues, AP Macroeconomics students are anxiously conducting analysis to determine whether the spontaneous bankruptcy of every single tech company in existence will have detrimental effects on the global market.
