It’s almost official: Radnor will probably be holding a Homecoming dance next year! Within a few nanoseconds of the announcement being delivered, people began speculating about how many student council members’ souls were sacrificed to the administration in exchange for approval of the planned event (the answer was fortunately negative two). According to the Class of 2026’s Secretary of Agricultural Defence, administrators instead negotiated revisions to the dance policy, which will permanently go into effect during Homecoming. Using a sophisticated methodology known as “politely asking somebody in the main office for a copy,” the Radish was able to obtain the following classified draft of the new contract:

NEW RADNOR HIGH SCHOOL DANCE POLICY

• Dances begin at 7:30 PM and end at 10:00 PM. Students will be required to stand in the breathalyzer line until 10:30 PM. 
• Students are encouraged to leave a dance 30 minutes prior to its scheduled end time.
• Students and guests must have a photo ID and ticket to enter the dance. Students without an ID or ticket will not be permitted to enter the dance. They will be required to stand outside and watch their peers undergo breathalyzer tests for three hours.
• All students and guests may be subject to a breathalyzer test upon entering the dance. Students or guests found under the influence of mint-flavored chewing gum will be thrown to the Cardboard Wolves.
• Chaperones have the right to search any bags or large parcels for textbooks or other intellectually stimulating materials. Students are encouraged NOT to bring these items to a dance.
• School rules apply at all dances, including those involving appropriate dress. As always, students are not permitted to wear unfashionable hats.
• School authorities maintain the right to prohibit music that is not consistent with the mission of the district. Banned tracks include any songs containing inflammatory or coarse language such as “heck” and “callipygian.”
• Tickets for all school dances will be sold in advance through a highly modernized platform which charges additional fees for its own profit.
• Radnor High School is not responsible for lost or stolen items. Personal items of significant value, such as pocket Constitutions, should not be brought to the dance.
• Every dancer must remain in the vertical position. Students who lean diagonally may be subject to disciplinary action based on the number of degrees they are slanted.
• Students are not permitted to bend over and hands may not rest on knees or be placed on the floor. Dancers are encouraged to bring their own grabber-reachers in case they drop personal possessions and need to pick them up. “Grinding”, “Freaking,” and “[insert any other archaic euphemisms for suggestive acts]” are not permitted. Quarreling and “biting one’s thumb at thee” are not permitted. Spontaneous sword fights may be subject to disciplinary action***.
• Hands should be visible at all times and should remain on shoulders or waists only. Dancers performing the Macarena may be subject to disciplinary action.

In the event the group behaviors at a dance are deemed inappropriate, the administration reserves the right to end the dance and send students home to engage in even more inappropriate activities. 

 Your signature below indicates that you agree that you are responsible for following all dance rules and guidelines, including those noted above. 

Printed Student’s Name:    ___________________________

Signature:                           ___________________________

Date:                                   ___________________________

***Disciplinary action may include various punishments including but not limited to: preparing fetal pigs for dissection by freshman Biology students, an indefinite ban from reading Radish articles, and imprisonment in the band room for the rest of the school year.