Following the April 8th solar eclipse, Radnor students reported a 2000% uptick in blindness.
Although the high school administrative staff posted multiple messages on Schoology prior to the eclipse urging students to “please wear those flimsy little goggles” and “don’t get us sued,” hundreds of eager teenage sun-watchers gazed into the sky unprotected, sometimes failing to blink for twenty seconds or longer.
Dr. Thatsa Bad-Idea, a local ophthalmologist, enthusiastically explained the science behind the rise in blindness. “When someone stares into a solar eclipse with no protective eyewear, their retinas literally pop, like a balloon being struck with a nail. Chemicals deposited by this retinal explosion invade the optic nerve, quickly setting it aflame. As you can assume, the charred remains of the optic nerve retain none of their original function, rendering one completely blind.”
On average, symptoms of irreparable blindness first occurred three hours after ocular exposure to the solar eclipse. Affected individuals experienced colorful spots in their vision, which were described by many as “confetti-looking” and “an insult to injury.” Searing headaches and fuzzy visual hallucinations of disappointed faces followed the onset of spots – a few hours after that, the eclipse-induced blindness was complete and permanent.
“Man, I just had this crazy urge to like, look at the sun! I don’t really know why,” reported an anonymous freshman boy seen stumbling about the math hallway. “I just wanted to, so I did. Maybe that was a mistake.”
A junior expressed severe regret for her decision to look at the sun during the eclipse. “Seriously, though, like, what college is going to want to admit someone who was dumb enough to stare straight into the eclipse?” she stated in almost-tears (the sun’s rays destroy tear ducts, as well). “I wanted to go to Yale, but they only admit rich dummies, not middle class ones.”
A group of blind students, bloodied and bruised from an accidental tumble into Mr. Capone’s room, scurried away from approaching Radish reporters, supposedly out of pure shame for their actions.
One sophomore, however, expressed elation with her new lack of vision. “I was hard-of-hearing before the solar eclipse, but I saw Monday as my chance to double up on the disability and go blind too! Yeah, I’m like Helen Keller now. And everyone who says that Helen Keller wasn’t real can go–” [the remainder of this quote has been redacted].
The RHS administration has scraped together a new plan to accommodate 637 blind students.
“I had faith in Radnor students, I really did,” said Dr. MacNamara following the solar eclipse. “They made bad choices on Monday that will haunt them forever. Regardless, we are willing to make significant adjustments to the RHS environment in order to accommodate these now-blind idiots.”
The framework reads:
- Walking to class on foot will be replaced with bumper-car-assisted transportation in order to prevent further student injury. By May, all hallways will be laid with bumper-car tracks and no walking will be permitted. To enforce this rule, all students will be required to bind their feet together at the beginning of the school day (Thanks, World History students, for this wonderful idea!)
- Radnor High School will offer AP Braille AB and AP Braille BC for juniors and seniors, starting in the 2024-25 school year. These classes will allow blind students to catch up on critical Braille reading skills and earn some college credit. Additionally, the administration will consider offering AP Common Freaking Sense in the future, in hopes of preventing another mass blindness event fueled by impulsive stupidity.
- At least fifteen licensed therapists and psychologists are to be hired before the conclusion of this school year. These professionals will provide individual counseling and support groups for blind students to help them cope with new emotional challenges, like living with a disability and reconciling their foolishness.
Dr. MacNamara wants students to be aware of a new hotline that supports eclipse-blind young people in crisis: 1-800-WHY-DID-I-STARE-AT-THE-SUN-WHEN-EVERYONE-TOLD-ME-NOT-TO
Here are some further resources for all members of the RHS community:
- You’re blind as a bat, so embrace the look! Buy some sunglasses and canes at DopeBlindDrip.com
- This website helps those who feel depressed about never being able to see their friends’ faces ever again: www.at.least./there’s/still./beyoncé.org
- Just because you can’t see doesn’t mean you can’t date. Find your true love with BlindDateMate, an accessible offshoot of Tinder. Must be 18+ to make an account.
