Radnor has welcomed a new student named X Æ A-12 to the community. X Æ A-12 has already caused several students to cower in fear because of his interesting comments such as “How can I assist you today?” and “I didn’t quite catch that. Could you try again?” What a monster!
X Æ A-12 is a straight A+ student who has perfected the art of standardized testing. He is very well versed in mugging other students and taking their art to scrapbook them into what he claims is a completely original piece. X Æ A-12 is also extremely accomplished in the field of “reviewing” his classmates’ essays and synthesizing them into his own. He has garnered quite the fan club, numbering several school-issued laptops and my own TI-84 calculator (let’s face it, it’s basically a sentient being). When confronted by his English teacher, Mr. Gullible, he stated that his work was original and his peers were copying from him. Funnily enough, the teacher believed him. This is not a rare occurrence; it happened somehow at the college level too. When an A&M college professor in Texas put his students’ final essays in ChatGPT, the AI claimed that it created them. There was evidence proving otherwise, but every student in that class nevertheless received an X and was held from receiving their diplomas. On a completely unrelated note, ChatGPT also claimed to write 80% of Crime and Punishment. AI detection software claimed that the US constitution was written by AI.
When I asked a close friend and confidant, Ren Bickmond, he said he had not stolen work from X Æ A-12. However, when I used my extremely effective AI checker coded by a blue Smurf late Saturday night to check Bickmond’s paper, the results proved that the paper had indeed been written and synthesized using AI. Ren Bickmond defended himself and claimed: “I did not synthesize any statements using AI,” and showed me evidence. His statement poses an extremely interesting and thought-provoking question: Is Ren Bickmond an AI or an NPC? Let’s face it, no natural person uses the word synthesized.
Recently, I interviewed the AI feature built into Quizlet. Here is how our conversation went:
Interviewer: “What is your name?”
Q AI: “I’m Q-Chat, an AI tutor built by Quizlet and OpenAI.”
Interviewer: “Where do you source info from?”
Q AI: “I generate responses based on a combination of pre-existing knowledge and patterns in the data I have been trained on. My responses are not based on personal experiences or opinions.”
I: “Do you feel things?”
Q AI: “Yes, the number of times you have confused two Spanish words is so infuriating that I now feel the urge to remove my name and completely sterilize all my responses.”
This enlightening conversation proved many things. Like my 5th grade Seminar Honors AP English teacher told me, “AI is not smart.” Using our data, we can conclude that Quizlet AI is inferior to human ingenuity in every field except data analysis, computing, math, science, essay writing, art, history tests, AP exams, and everything else school-related. It even makes more friends than the average RHS student! However, several people from the Anti AI Center Because It Will End the World (AABWEW, also known as “people who think 5G will cause cancer”) have reached out to me and sent many aggressive emails telling me to not talk so satirically about AI. However, I chose to write and publish this article with AI anyway. Wait, what? AI will now be built into Schoology, increasing the number of times the platform goes down by ten percent and tripling the amount of Outlook emails it will send you. Have fun cleaning out 100+ unread emails!
