This fall, Radnor is gearing up for a historic election. On Friday, October 18, in the most important political event of the year, the Homecoming King and Queen will be crowned on Prevost Field. The race for the Court’s highest position has rapidly devolved into madness as candidates have raced to adapt advanced campaign strategies.

The Radish was able to get in touch with an unnamed Court member, who provided insight into his campaign’s use of analytics. “I’ve been preparing for this election months ahead of time. We’ve employed some of the most brilliant polling techniques to harvest data about voter demographics and opinions- why do you think those Sociology students are always running around with microphones secretly taped to their rulers? It’s a far more efficient tactic than convincing everyone to create Facebook accounts.” He revealed that asking “who’s the hottest senior?” serves a valuable purpose- student responses guide the marketing decisions of campaign staff, allowing them to forge a candidate’s ideal public image.

Despite the candidates’ best efforts, some voters remain on the fence. “I’m undecided and unsure of who to vote for right now,” confessed one senior who claimed to represent 3% of the Radnor student population.

Another interviewee echoed this sentiment, telling the Radish that choosing two candidates out of ten distinct options was too difficult. “I wish they would give us two clear parties to choose from. I’m too busy staring at scatter plots on Naviance to research these people.”

A survey of four students loitering in the library courtyard found that the greatest issues impacting voters are the controversial rebranding of the “Homecoming Dance” to the “LM Dance,” funding for Quizlet Plus, and inflation of Color Guard chocolate prices. One student angrily declared, “I’m appalled by the current cost of chocolate. According to my statistics teacher, there’s been a 50% increase from last year! Our economy is in shambles.” When asked who deserved the blame for this crisis, the students began incoherently arguing over the fiscal policies of the 2022 and 2023 Homecoming Monarchs.

This year, there will be increased pressure on the candidates to keep their promises to voters. Watchdog journalists have exposed unscrupulous practices of former Court members, such as pigeonholing proposals for the elimination of homework and creating counterfeit student IDs to illegally vote for themselves. After a video of a previous year’s Homecoming Queen reading a chapter from her biology textbook while filibustering garnered several dozen views on Instagram Reels, many students grew suspicious of the Court. “I’m starting to think they’re not working in the best interests of their constituents,” asserted a student who nervously requested to remain anonymous. “Maybe the power of being referred to as a King or Queen is going to their heads. We should start calling them Homecoming Elected Public Servants instead.”

As campaign efforts intensify, school administrators have issued a serious warning to candidates and their supporters. On Monday morning, students were reminded by a Schoology update to remain wary of any mysterious cronies threatening to shove them into lockers for political reasons.

Regardless of the result, the 2024 Homecoming election is guaranteed to have dramatic implications for the survival of democracy. Remember to do your part by casting your Google Forms ballot!