On January 5, 2025, only 10.1 million viewers tuned in for the annual Golden Globe Awards. The ceremony’s pitiful ratings were easily explained by its concurrence with a more prominent event— audiences were swarming the campus and surrounding area of Radnor High School, camping out for the announcement of the December Students of the Month.
Since the award’s inception in September 2024, viewership and publicity have steadily grown each month. To maximize buzz in the media, RHS administrators have regularly announced expansion of the ceremony’s production budget. Starting this month, a red carpet fashion show and confetti will be included in the celebration. A camera crew consisting of maximum wage workers will broadcast the awards show to the ViewBoard in the back of the school library, and students will be permitted to take an excused absence from class in order to watch the lobby ceremony in person. (Efforts to hire a host were halted in order to mitigate any Oscar-style slapping incidents.) Thanks to these upgrades, this month’s ceremony is expected to draw billions of in-person attendees, including prominent fashion designers and jealous entertainment industry executives attempting to replicate the success of the Students of the Month Awards (SoftMAs).
The award’s surging popularity comes at no surprise to an anonymous sophomore found wandering aimlessly in the language arts hallway. “This was bound to happen,” she declared, “given that we hold this ceremony nine times a year. The traditional awards haven’t grasped yet that audiences enjoy quantity over quality. Nobody wants to wait twelve months for the next ceremony in this modern age. Also, award shows like the Golden Globes are too specific with their categories— Best Male Actor in a Supporting Role on Television, Best Motion Picture, etc. The SoftMAs have broad appeal. And the fact that there’s no publicly announced nominees builds mystery. The winner could be anyone in this building. It could even be me.”
Not everyone is satisfied with the selection process, though. One junior has been in a state of turmoil due to his pursuit of the award. “I really thought this would look great on my college applications. But now I’ve got myself stressing over yet another holistic process. I could cure cancer or even get my physics teacher to stop mandating those horrible low-tech calculators, and that wouldn’t even guarantee an award. What does it take to become Student of the Month? Nobody knows*.”
Local tabloids have also begun publishing extensive lists of perceived snubs, inciting additional controversy over retroactive award eligibility. According to a psychic medium who interviewed him via Ouija board, the spirit of Radnor alumnus Emlen Tunnell lamented, “I may have saved multiple people’s lives, been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and become widely considered one of the greatest athletes to ever play my sport, but I can’t help but feel that my legacy isn’t complete. I was never named Student of the Month. Hopefully they’ll do posthumous awardings. We’ll see.”
EGOT winner Alan Menken and former Radnor student Lauv were unable to be reached, but the Radish is sure that they feel similarly saddened.
Some students believe that the SoftMA’s exclusivity is a defining aspect of the accolade. In fact, one freshman argued that the award should be made even harder to attain. “You can’t give the award to everybody,” she remarked. “If everyone’s a Student of the Month, then nobody is.”
*It is clearly stated on the school website that winning Student of the Month requires Good Citizenship, Positive Attitude, and Outstanding Character.
