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My interview with Radnor’s most important whistleblower began with only one request— “Please don’t share my name. I’m worried about future roles if my identity gets out.” Thus, for the sake of anonymity, she’ll go by the pseudonym “Jane Doe”. Jane is a senior at RHS and is currently serving as director’s intern for the spring musical, Legally Blonde. She’s been in the cast of every show, save Clue her freshman year, which she still holds a small grudge over. Overall, though, her view of Radnor theatre is relatively unbiased.
“Yeah, I like, really looked up to Mr. Dieztler,” she conceded. “I never expected this from him. How in depth do you want me to go?”
Let’s begin with the basics. Mr. Brian Dietzler sits as longtime theatre teacher of Radnor High School. He’s nearing his fortieth year, and he’s known for his in-depth casting, engaging shows, and compassionate demeanor.
He’s also popular throughout the region, especially in his hometown, Upper Darby. He’s best known for his roles of Cogsworth in Beauty and the Beast, Phantom in Phantom of the Opera, and Hamilton in Hamilton. Jane made sure to mention “he was aiming for the role of Beast, but he didn’t get it, so he emphasized to me how he understands the pain of Radnor theatre aficionados.”
Every theatre kid passing through Radnor High School has taken at least one of his classes— Public Speaking, Musical Theatre, Tech Theatre, or the obvious Acting course. His courses have been promoted through ad campaigns reaching hundreds of thousands of dollars. I did a deep dive into tax records to discover where he found this money, as typically theatre teachers don’t make that much extra cash. The main source of income for promotion was family inheritance.
The first surprise from my interview with Jane was course material. Jane has taken Musical Theatre, Tech Theatre, and Honors Acting three times, so she’s aware of the material.
According to Jane, “no one ever really questions it because he changes it every year, and they assume he’s just rotating through the best books. But based on what he told me, it’s random. There’s no real rhyme or reason.” Jane then led me to her self-proclaimed “Mr. Brian Dietzler-theatre collection.” It included classics such as Michael Shurtley’s Audition and Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting but quickly descended into bizarre books such as Lee Strasberg’s A Dream of Passion. Of course, neither of us have read the books, since Mr. Dietzler rarely assigns required reading, but we do know Strasberg is a proponent of method acting, the most dangerous acting method. Thousands have been recorded dead from method, and thousands more likely stay unrecorded.
Mr. Dietzler also “urges his students to buy, not borrow, and then he takes their books and never returns them.” Jane claimed she has fallen victim to his ploy multiple times, and others I surveyed said the same. Shifting from his classes to shows, the second surprise was even larger.
Mr. Brian Dietzler has, since he began nearly sixty years ago, casted solely on the basis of drawing names. Yes, you read that right. “It’s really surprising, especially after my previous roles. He told me he sometimes puts extra slips in for the good actors, and sometimes he ‘forgets’ to add someone bad, but overall it’s random. As in, he goes down the list and just draws names. It’s insane!”
In the interview, I found that hard to believe. Mr. Dietzler’s casting is known throughout the school, and I didn’t believe Jane’s story. As I went back to look through old cast lists, though, I began to see more clearly. For example, in the 1956 production of Annie, younger students beat out experienced nearly-adults in the race for orphan Annie. To the critic, this seniority switch seems almost obscene, though the chosen Annies did perform to time-withstanding rave reviews and eventually a dual Tony, so this new explanation does explain some odd choices.
Jane’s third surprise for me was in a tradition that began when he started almost 100 years ago— Nutty Buddies. Nutty Buddies may seem like a cute-surface level gift exchange, but are instead a way for Mr. Brian Dietzler to gain the trust of young actors, and eventually take their money.
In my analysis of his tax records, a large sum of his income came from sold gift cards. Where was he getting these gift cards from? Abandoned Nutty Buddies gifts. “When he described the process to me, it was something to the effect of, ‘I assign good nutty buddies to people who won’t show.’” Jane shook her head, clearly still in shock, and continued, “‘Good Nutty Buddies typically buy gift-cards for people who barely fill out the sheets. These gifts get left behind and I take them to spend on the school.”
Mr. Brian Dietzler views himself as a Robinhood of sorts, taking from the rich and giving to the poor. His emphasis on gift-cards has also minimized waste in the theatre department, at least according to the folks with no knowledge of environmentalism that participated in my survey. “We theatre folks have to take what we can get. Yes, I grew up in a family that only ever talked about theatre, but I understand feeling like everyone is out to get theatre kids. Of course I understand. Why would you even ask? I’d even go so far to say theatre kids are the largest, most oppressed minority group out there. We need to take action! Who’s gonna be the next Luigi Mangione for theatre kids, huh? In my 120 years, I’ve never seen anyone stand up for the arts like I have. It’s all I do in life,” is basically what he said, Jane qualified. “I don’t remember his exact wording; I don’t have photographic memory. Or whatever the audial version of that is.”
These realizations pale in comparison to Mr. Brian Dietzler’s overall plan— form an army. Not just any army, but an organized militia of theatre kids. Jane merely hinted at his goals, but I’ve formed a solid understanding.
Through royalties from successful alums of Radnor High School that took his class, including doctors and lawyers that took only public speaking, Mr. Dietzler has made over one million dollars, according to his tax records. This money has been partly spent on the school, but mostly used on undisclosed spending. By a visual analysis of his room, with ChatGPT as an aid, I discovered hidden microphones, stage makeup, speakers, and pianos hidden all through the room. His classes, with a focus on individual strength and team building (his favorite quote being “don’t be selfish” during scenes), have molded students into perfect militants. His fan base extends beyond Radnor, but sophomores and juniors work the hardest to spread his influence.
His army, based on in-depth Instagram stalking and analysis of past Radnorite articles, has reached around 1,000 current and former theatre kids. That’s almost five recruited each of his 200 years teaching at Radnor High School.
His methods may be impressive (and worthy of a better job), but terrifying for the general population. In just 100 more years, he and his 1,500 militants may storm Radnor High School and turn it into a theatre school. With more recruitment, they may eventually take over Delaware County, and then the entirety of Pennsylvania. Once they capture the state, the US will be next. Before we know it, the American Flag will have a picture of Lin Manuel Miranda, every city will have its own Broadway, and singing will be the national language.
Before we reach this terrifying point, reach out to your local theatre kid and beg them to open their mind to other ways of life. Protest and boycott. If you know previous theatre kids, make sure they aren’t a part of the Mr. Brian Dietzler cult. Protect our school, our country, and your future kids. Make the Founding Fathers proud, and work to save America.
