Radnor’s Class of 2025 will not be receiving their diplomas in June, the district administration announced via a surprise telegraph last weekend. Senior graduation has been cancelled until further notice after nearly every student in the grade was unable to fulfill their graduation requirements before the arbitrary Ides of March deadline. The 5-1 decision was covertly made by an impartial committee composed of hostile underclassmen, juniors holding grudges over parking rights, and an undercover Radish reporter.
The ceremony’s cancellation was prompted by a widespread disregard for Radnor’s college and career planning resources. Most disgracefully, a top-performing student in the class did not complete Activity 9: “Selecting Your Career Goal” from the Smart Futures assignment list. “I thought the fifty-word minimum for the reflection portion was a suggestion, not a requirement,” she lamented to The Radish. “I just wasn’t feeling enough inspiration to fully explain why I picked that career goal.”
Meanwhile, several other seniors overlooked the survey from Activity 5: “Abilities and Aptitudes,” in which respondents check boxes to determine their skills. One disgruntled sophomore expressed frustration at the seniors’ indifference, claiming that the activity’s acknowledgement of Night Vision in the Admiring Your Awesome Abilities section was a great step toward inclusion of diverse superpowers in career planning platforms. (On the other hand, he also admitted that the Gross Body Coordination and Visual Color Discrimination options had been somewhat poorly named.)
Among the dozens of students with incomplete Smart Futures activities, some presented compelling reasons for neglecting their graduation requirements. An aspiring English major took issue with the site’s abundance of typos, while his classmate confessed that she had been restarting completed activities because “they give you a little badge each time you finish it again,” and she had forgotten to finish her most recent attempt.
The remaining losers who actually finished the required tasks protested the unfairness of being prohibited from graduating. Several seniors had been so meticulous and diligent that they even finished their assigned modules on Naviance. The counseling department lauded their commitment to career readiness while condemning their usage of the outdated site and suggesting that they migrate to Scoir like the rest of the technologically enlightened Radnor population.
In response to outrage over their decision to withhold diplomas, the school released a public statement blaming the loss of graduation on the actions of its students. “We’ve given them numerous extended homerooms to complete these tasks,” remarked an exasperated administrator. “They could have even used their leftover time from the Student Climate Survey extended homeroom.” Unfortunately, a Radish poll found that most people had also skipped the survey due to their parents’ concerns of woke brainwashing surrounding increases in the earth’s average temperature.
As a result of the cancelled graduation, some seniors are reportedly planning to hold their own ceremony. An enthusiastic member of the senior student council has suggested a creative name for the occasion: “Just like how the opposite of a prom is a MORP, we’ll call it a NOITAUDARG! And hopefully we’ll schedule it to happen soon, since all the glaciers and polar bears are about to start melting from global warming.”
The NOITAUDARG will likely be hosted during a spontaneous Senior Skip Day in the middle of April.
