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The start of Radnor’s 2025-26 school year has been a massive success, in large part thanks to the new “Off and Away” policy prohibiting the usage of cell phones during the school day. The top data analysts in AP Statistics have reported a 75% increase in free period productivity and 240% increase in cafeteria sales as students have relieved their lunchtime boredom by consuming more food. Other than a slight jump in school nurse visits due to technological withdrawals, the impact of banning phones has been overwhelmingly positive and enforcement of the rules has been highly effective.
In response to popular demand, the administration announced last week that it will be implementing a second phase of the policy to further benefit the student populace. “Everyone loves sequels,” a district official remarked. “Just look at classics like The Godfather Part II or Mean Girls 2. The phone pouch thing sort of fizzled out and also accidentally bankrupted the tech industry, but the market’s recovered and we’re ready to look to the future. Think of last year’s policy as a prequel that fans refuse to acknowledge the existence of.”
The new phase will be known as “Up, Up, and Away,” a clever and fiercely original play on words that expands upon the concept of the first phase’s name. In a public statement, the English department lauded the district’s witty brilliance.
Starting in the second marking period, students found illegally using their phones during the school day will have their devices confiscated and floated into the sky via a hot air balloon that bears a perplexing resemblance to the old Channel 6 Philadelphia Zoo Balloon. Upon being asked about the district’s decision to purchase this new vehicle, a Radnor spokesperson reassured concerned residents that the balloon would be a wise long-term investment and additional maintenance costs would be paid for by diverting funds from the useless arts, music, and theater programs. The spokesperson made no indication of whether phones placed in the balloon would be returned to students or remain indefinitely suspended in the upper troposphere. Despite the protests of a few whining screenagers, the Radnor population as a whole has grown highly enthusiastic about the policy.
In order to ensure that students go fully offline, the school will also be doing away with designated areas for making important phone calls. The empty spaces will be repurposed as balloon docks and workshops for any future repairs or developments.
The district has hinted at a potential trilogy amid growing speculation of a weather balloon or rocket ship being introduced in the third marking period. “I’m curious to see how far they can take this,” exclaimed an excited sophomore taking Aerospace Engineering Honors. “This is coming just a few months after Radnor’s Blue Origin partnership, so clearly the district is very committed to expanding its astronautical program. Maybe our phones will be on the moon by the time I graduate!” The student expressed that she had intentionally taken out her phone during homeroom to have it confiscated and placed in the hot air balloon.
When The Radish approached the district official again to ask how many new iterations of the policy would be introduced in the coming years, he refused to publicly comment but could be heard mumbling something about the “Fast and Furious” series. For now, it appears that Radnor will be warmly welcoming the sweeping changes of “2 Phone 2 Policy.”
