Manny Unger (A special no thanks to former writing partner, Dan Carlston)
It’s that time of year again. People are sick of their pumpkin-flavored everything, those who once shared New Year’s kisses now share nothing more than prolonged eye contact in the hall, and MLK Day has come and gone; there’s truly no better time for romance. What’s that you say? You’re recently single for Valentine’s Day? No matter, I have a few tips and tricks for making sure that you have just as good a day as you ever could with a special someone. You’ve survived plenty of Valentine’s Days before he dumped you. This won’t be so hard, right?
- Sleep in. There’s no reason you should have to be awake without him for longer than you need to be.
- Take a bath. You deserve to unwind. Plus, you haven’t showered in some time, and the neighbors are starting to complain. Have a nice cry while you’re at it. No one can tell if those are tears or bath-water droplets.
- Stay busy. Try doing a puzzle! He loved puzzles…
- Burn all of your puzzles. It’s cold around this time of year. Keeping warm is important.
- Do some baking. Baking is a great way to relieve stress while creating something.
- Try not to eat everything you baked. Those warm brownies are tempting with their light texture and rich chocolate, but you know it isn’t good for you.
- Give in. Who do you have to look good for anyway?
- Go out! There are tons of fun things to do out in the world. Have a catch. Rent a tandem bike. Attempt to get into an R rated movie by sitting on someone else’s shoulders under a trench coat.
- Rethink going out! There are plenty of fun things to do alone too. You could go to a movie, or tell your story of heartbreak to a local barkeep.
- Retreat. Couples can’t mock you with their happiness from the safety of your bed.
- Reach out. Maybe it isn’t too late to find a date? You know some single people. How can everyone be busy?! Maybe your friends are free? None?! You can’t be the only lonely person out there today. That seems statistically impossible.
- Candlelight dinner for one. Nothing beats reenacting that iconic final scene from “Sixteen Candles” alone. Hop up on that table and eat both dinners you prepared because you thought if you wished hard enough Jake Ryan would show up.
- Resist your urges. Standing outside of his window, holding up a boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” sounds pretty tempting, but it will only end like it did last time — with a restraining order. Get out of your car, go back inside, and eat that pint of Rocky Road instead. Maybe you should get that lower back tattoo of his name, though.
- Give up. It’s 8pm already?! That’s a new record. You did well today. Curl up in your bed and cry yourself to sleep like you have every night since he left.
Come back to me, Dan.