The Friday Funny: Spinning Doctors

Emilija Sagaityte

Gone are the fads of the early 2000s. The silly bandz wrapping around arms like boas twisting around a branch and the pet rocks rattling in their cages – they never served much purpose beyond cutting off kids’ circulation and helping parents find a shameful excuse for a pet that doesn’t bark, walk, or ruin furniture to give to their pleading children. As our millennials have grown up though, longing for these toys has dissipated. Hundreds of knickknacks have gone through the same cycle: they are bought, treasured in tiny pockets and sticky hands for weeks, are abandoned on a table or car seat, simply tossed aside, and finally disappear in despair, falling into an abyss where they are completely forgotten. However, these failures have not been for nothing; they have allowed the consumer market to move aside the most boring toys, those undeserving of attention, until only the most captivating and prestigious were left standing, or in this case, spinning. It is time to congratulate the 2017 Most (Idle) Ideal Toy of the Year award winner: the fidget spinner.

Not only a hobby for buyers under the age of ten, fidget spinners are whirling on the thumbs of kids, teens, and adults everywhere. While they may have stayed in hiding at the backs of shelves in corner markets since the 1990s, these aerodynamically favorable, circular gadgets with three extruding petals, each with an eye, and with a rotating circle in the center, will hypnotize you after just one spin. Multi-purposeful, they won’t just keep you entertained, but will serve your every need.

You can ditch your pedometer, yoga mat, and disc of classical music from that distant relative and opt for this more colorful disc to relieve any stress that may accumulate throughout the day. For just two dollars more than the standard steel or plastic model, you can upgrade to one with a Bluetooth speaker that will serenade you in your free time. If you get caught playing, I mean, wisely utilizing, a fidget spinner during a daunting test, no worries. Simply pull out the complimentary doctor’s note from the box it came in and explain that it is strictly for medical, relaxation purposes. If your teacher does not relent and gives you a disapproving look, rapidly flick off all the lights and dash away, using your glow-in-the-dark fidget spinner to safely guide you out of the building.

That’s not all though. If you happen to be attacked by a flock of birds or wild animals on your way home, pull out that ninja star (with those rounded edges to prevent severe injury) from your leather fidget spinner case and give it a strong spin. Any attackers will immediately pull away in fear and awe of your mighty weapon.

If you still feel unsatisfied with your twirling gadget, don’t be glum. There is still so much promise in those petals. You just need to allow the fidget spinner’s graceful pirouettes to inspire you. Try forming an Ultimate Fidget Spinner team at your school, or learn all the tricks, like how to switch thumbs, with your friends and put on a show. The opportunities are endless!

Finally, never, ever underestimate how much this phenomenal gadget contributes to one’s academic performance and character building. Spending hours trying to balance it on your thumb without end will heighten your concentration abilities, teaching you how to become oblivious to your surroundings within a fraction of a second. Moreover, your fidget spinner will foster qualities in you that you will depend on for the rest of your life in both school and in your career. These skills include but are not limited to: having patience, dealing with frustration, and coping with failure. Most importantly, it will be a great asset to aspiring mechanics, so long as they opt for the cheapest model. After several times of dropping it, you will find yourself having to figure out how to put some of the pieces, like the metal loops and the base, back together with your dexterous hands and fingers that you’ll notice are much more nimble than they were several hours ago.

Fidget spinners are revolutionary, educational, therapeutic, and the stars of the future. They are not a fad; they are a necessity. They will continue to spread from hand to hand until the world is decorated with little, colorful, spinning circles resting delicately on the millions of tense fingers of relaxed humans.