Patrick Kaper-Barcelata

-To be read with reverence-

Greetings returning customers. Congratulations! If your carcass is parked in a durable plastic chair, you have successfully signed your life away for 3 hours and 15 minutes at a bargain $95. Enjoy the ride™.

Please stand and recite the College Board Pledge of Allegiance™. I will recite it to you as you speak it aloud. While unnecessary, this is a reminder that you must remove your hats and capacity for individual thought.

I pledge allegiance to the College Board® Acorn™ of Corporate America

And to the corruption for which it stands

One check

Under AP™s

With exploitation and scantrons for all

You may be seated. On your desk you will see an iron box, a student pack, and an answer sheet. Please look at the answer sheet. Do not touch it. Stop looking at the answer sheet. Look me in the eyes. You are blessed to be here, start acting like it. Now return your eyes to the answer sheet. You will only need to fill out this answer sheet once, for every test. Start by filling in section A, your full legal name, and fill in the below bubbles corresponding to the letters of your name. For example, were your name to start with V bubble the letter V in the bubbles below. Were the next letter in your name be L, you would bubble the letter L in the bubbles below. Were the next letter in your name be A, you would bubble the letter A in the bubbles below. Were the next letter be D you would bubble D and so on and so forth.

Next fill in section B, your address. Was that simple enough for you? Good. Next fill in Section R, your social security number. Sections C-Q only apply if your favorite color is blue and you are not white. Section S requires you prick your finger and apply pressure in the allocated box.

The answer sheet is ready. Open your student pack™. Take the tattoo needle inside and tattoo your College Board® number and barcode™ onto your right forearm. This number defines you. It is who you are.

Turn your attention to the iron box in front of you. It is DNA encoded to each of you specifically. Wave your barcode tattoo over the top, spit into the emerged slide, and state your biggest fear into the microphone. Read the instructions on the test book as I read them aloud.

Smell the test booklet. That is the smell of success and adderall, while picking the passages. This exam is 60 multiple choice questions with four free response questions. You have 15 minutes for multiple choice and three hours for free response. Free response may only be completed using Octupus ink and the feather of a red-crowned crane. It will not be graded otherwise. You will not discuss the exam questions with other students, teachers, or administrators or speak against the College Board® on social media and in public. Furthermore, thoughts against College Board® are treason.

I will hand each of you a pill. Swallow it. Place your water bottle on the floor. Discard all loose paper and your dignity. You are now ready to take the test. Open your test booklet to page 3A!%, next to the second subsection of the third introduction page and your answer booklet to page two. Pick up your pencil. Blink twice. Put down your pencil. Pick up your pencil. Neigh like a horse. Okay begin.


Congratulations! You have completed the Exam™. If you wish to cancel your score pick up the prescribed form before you leave detailing what you are changing your legal name to and what finger you plan on severing. Apply super glue onto each page of your booklet, zipper the exam booklet closed, staple the edges, and place the booklet in the wax mold. Swallow your student pack and jump on the answer sheet until it looks like nondescript scrap paper. I will come around and collect your materials.

Please remain seated for the next nine hours as we wait for the Californians to finish their test and get a good night’s rest to forget the questions. As you are seated repeat the following:

Thank you College Board® for letting me prove my worth, and giving purpose to my education.

Your ability to form words will return slowly in the coming days. Capacity for individual thought is best left disregarded.

See you next Spring™