A startling new Gallup poll released this past Saturday claims that 97% of students at Lower Merion High school are unaware of the fact that their school has a football team. A follow up piece by al-Jazeera showed that it was even ranked among the top 10 most forgotten football rivalries, right alongside the memorable showdowns between the Houston Oilers and the Tennessee Titans. This poll comes as a shocking discovery after Radnor High School spent three quarters of its yearly budget on tape and paper for their spirit week decorations.
After the entire art club was injured in a freak pottery accident, the hallway decorating was left to three student government members and two class sponsors. The school security cameras caught the Radnor freshman class president re-taping posters to the wall a little after midnight, evidently regretting that he had no Flex Tape.
Unfortunately, a recent interview with the freshman class president reveals that he is unaware that the decorations must all be taken down after this week. “I have made the sturdiest posters, much more sturdier than your posters, the sturdiest in the world. They are huge. They are so huge. The hugest,” he said in an original interview with the Radnorite. When told that the drawings must come down after the week, he responded, “Well at least the paintings can remain on the wall. Hopefully they can remain there for many more future generations to enjoy.” In the meantime, he hopes that Radnor students will thoroughly enjoy knocking down loosely hanging paper from the ceiling, but respectfully remember to throw away any fallen decorations to prevent students from tripping.
It has often been speculated that students at RHS do not even care about their own LM hallways. To test this, a group of social scientists located in the International Cafe observed the number of kids who notice the enormous “Radnor Sucks” poster hanging over the vending machines. As of now, no one has noticed.
Lower Merion administration is currently debating whether or not it is ethical to send out a football team on Friday that is composed of three underweight middle schoolers and a handful of retired alums. Their football team is just thirteen players short of having a complete roster. After an attempt to train members of the math and robotics club for the positions of offensive and defensive line failed miserably, LM has removed all funding for their football program.
The game this year will take place at Harriton to spare the school the embarrassment of losing in their own territory. Hopefully Radnor students can still get ample satisfaction from crushing Lower Merion at the game Friday.