Patrick’s Court

Lights! Camera! Action! Give it up for your favorite raider, the bees knees, homecoming court nominee, and future homecoming king, Patrick Kaper.
Hi, how’s it going folks? You are just too much! You flatter me! I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the homecoming videos this week, or as I like to call them – the first episodes on the debut season of The Patrick Kaper Show. How does it feel to be king? It feels great. What about the other guys you ask? They are all mean and self-conceited. Yeah, even Charlie Doane. Even Charlie Doane. Anyway, enough about them. Okay, fine, just a little more. Cate Cox hates puppies. Patrick Duffy stole my name. Sean Mullarkey? Well he’s not even Irish. Here’s some interviews I conducted so you could hate… I mean… learn a little more about them.

Cate Cox:
Prediction: “Honestly I have no idea! Everyone on the court is so amazing. Whoever wins will be great.”
What are you excited for tonight?
“I’m excited to cheer on all my friends on the team and in the cheer squad during their last homecoming game ever!”
Alright that’s enough, not so much pep.
“…”
Okay, fine. Finish your thought.
“The football team has had such a great season and the fact that it is all my friends on the field makes it so exciting!”
She’s so happy. Is anyone this happy?

Audrey Rosenblum:
Prediction: “Sydney and Alex”
What are you hoping to get out of tonight?
“A lot of fun and good food from the barbecue.”
Well that was it from Audrey.

Charlie Doane:
Prediction: “I think that Sean Mullarkey and Audrey Rosenblum will win homecoming, the two of them both deserve it.”
What are you hoping to get out of tonight?
“I want to enjoy the night and savor every moment. This is really exciting to be a part of something like this. I will definitely cherish it.”
Okay, I’ve got nothing. He’s so nice. Dang it.

Patrick Duffy:
Prediction: “I think Chuck Doane and Sydney Brumfield will win.”
What are you excited for tonight?
“I’m excited to have fun watching the game.”
Are you excited to lose, too?

Sean Mullarkey:
Prediction: “I think Charlie Doane and Sydney Brumfield will win.”
What are you excited for tonight?
“I’m excited for the school to come together and celebrate a great senior class and hopefully come out with a win!”
Ha, I can throw a football farther than him. Did he hear that? Shoot gotta go.

Can you believe what you just read! See what I’m saying? So hard to find genuine people these days!

The Truth

I, Lena Armstrong, was fortunate enough to speak with some of the nominees before Patrick Kaper was able to corrupt the interviews. I regret to inform you that Kaper attempted to undermine several of them in his maniacal plan to claim the victory and spotlight for himself. The interviewees definitely had a sense of distrust for Kaper.  It seems they were right all along. When they learned Patrick Kaper was co-writing this article, court nominee Caroline Barnhart said, “Well that is just unfair.” I included some of the interviews I was able to salvage.

Caroline Barnhart:
Have you been recognized?
“People do say things more than I would think. Teachers and people I barely know and did not expect to care have come up and congratulated me. It is just really random.”
What is the homecoming court like?
“I was surprised because the homecoming court was actually really fun and not awkward, even though it was people from totally different friend groups.”
What have you been doing in the weeks leading up to this?
“I have been stressing out about the video coming out today. Everyone is going to see it and it is going to be weird.”
How do you feel about the competition?
“Yeah I am about to fight someone for this crown. No, but in all seriousness I want Caitlin to win.  She got mad at me because I voted for her, but she voted for herself because I told her we were going to both vote for ourselves. I feel like everyone on it deserves to win and is a great person.”
Do you want to win?
“I do not know. I mean no. I feel like with student government, I really wanted to win. While I am honored, I did not necessarily ask for this.”
Anyone you would like to thank?
“God”
Predictions: Charlie Doane and Caitlin Dressel

Alex Storrer:
How have you been in the weeks leading up to this event?
He explained, “Lots of mediation. I have been drinking lots of tea. That is about it.  That is all I can say on the record.”
How do you feel about the competition? Is there anyone you do not want to win?
“Honestly I do not think there is any competition. But I do not want Patrick Kaper to win. He wears too many hats as it is, so he doesn’t need another one.”
How did you get where you are today?
“My golden thighs”
Anyone you’d like to thank?
“I would like to thank nobody, because nobody helped me get there, but myself.”
What is your morning routine?
“I wake up. I run 20 miles. I take a shower. I read one full book cover to cover two pages at a time. Then I come to school.”
What does homecoming mean to you?
There seemed to be some mild tension as Caroline Barnhart interjected, “You should tell the story of how I am only on it because my sister [Rosemary Barnhart] got it.  And how you are a first generation homecoming kid and deserve it more than I do. And how you are the worst person I have ever met in my entire life.”
Alex responded, “Well you could say that, but honestly it is something that we cannot control.  Class president and drum major where things that I could control. For the homecoming court, I would be put in front of lots of people, even if I was really afraid of being it, which is kind of stupid. It is an unnecessary high school ritual.”
Were you surprised to be nominated?
Caroline responded, “No I think he expected it.”
Alex said, “I don’t know. After the voting process people came up to me and said they voted for me, I was like maybe.”
Do you want to win?
“Sure. Again, this is something that I cannot control and the voting already happened.”
Any other thoughts on homecoming?
Alex said, “A vote for Storrer is a vote not for Duffy.”
Caroline said, “Duffy deserves to win way more than Alex.”
Predictions: Charlie Doane and Audrey Rosenblum

Caitlin Dressel:
How long have you been working for this?
Caitlin, “Ever since freshman year.”
What have you been doing in the weeks leading up to this?
“Going to the gym every day at 4 am and again at night. I have also been juice cleansing.”
What do you think homecoming has become?
“I think that homecoming has mainly become people who are nice and friends with a lot of people.  However, I can look around the grade and can pick out dozens and dozens of people who really deserve to be recognized more often. I was so happy Sydney was on the court.  I honestly hope she wins. She is such a genuine, good person.”
Do you want to win?
“I mean honestly I think it would be cool to win. But I would be as happy with anyone else winning because they are all good candidates.”
Predictions: Charlie Doane and Sydney Brumfield

Sydney Brumfield:
How long have you been working for this?
“I haven’t been. I was taken very off guard by the nomination.”
Have you been recognized anywhere?
“Not so much really in the public setting, but people in my homeroom [RadTV], probably the only people that actually watch the morning announcements, were surprised when they heard my name.”
What will you be wearing?
“I will be wearing a red sweater dress with a plaid cover, boots, and  boot socks. I also plan on wearing earmuffs because it will be cold.”
What have you been doing in the weeks leading up to this?
“I had to work on the videos for homecoming with Ms. Krohn.”

So you were both in and edited the videos?

“Oh yes.”

Do you think this is a conflict of interest?

“I don’t know. We shall see. You can watch the videos and see if I favor myself or not.”

How do you feel about this nomination?
“I do not know. I am honestly flattered to be considered in the public at at the same level as the other nominees. There are all people who I would have pinpointed as being on the court from the beginning.”
Do you want to win?
“I would be lying if I said I did not want to win.”
Predictions: Charlie Doane and Caitlin Dressel

While the nominees said everyone on the court was deserving of their placement, there was an unspoken tension when Patrick Kaper’s name was brought up.  Many felt he was trying too hard to get attention and win. Some even explained how he disregarded his classmates, believing himself to be better than them. Caitlin Dressel explains, “Today Patrick Kaper did not hold the door open for the people behind him as we walked into school.”  She continues, “Patrick Kaper is an awful singer who thinks he is good. He does a bad Elvis impression, but makes people watch it over and over again. He is really arrogant and I am tired of it.”
Patrick here again. Buy my merch. I will be selling shoelaces and mugs during the ceremony.