The Cynically Sardonic and Sanguinely Serious Advice Columnist

Issue 1: Some People are Humble for Good Reasons

A note from the cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist: All Radnor High School students are invited to submit questions to gain valuable advice from a certified genius and allow others to benefit from the possible ridicule of your problems. All questions herein were submitted by Radnor High School students.

Radnor boy asks: Why did my parents split?
The cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist replies: FCA: word choice. If you want to say divorce, say divorce. To address why they split, I put 75% odds onto a machete and 25% odds onto a saw.

Radnor boy asks: How do I cross the yellow line without consequence?
The cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist replies: Become a math teacher.

Radnor boy asks: How do I ask a girl out on a date? I have had a crush on her for years, but she doesn’t know I exist.
The cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist replies: Walk up to her, greet her by name, and ask to take her to dinner. (Yes, the words take her to dinner mean that you pay.)

Radnor boy asks: I hate Christmas, [sic] how do I survive the holidays?
The cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist replies: Small, cowardly children are often afraid of being eaten by imaginary monsters with commensurately imaginary fangs. Think about that.

Radnor boy asks: I am failing five of my six classes. What do I need to do to end up with 4.0 GPA?
The cynically sardonic and sanguinely serious advice columnist replies: Contact 4848002275 to request a few peer tutors.