RHS Administration Bans Bathrooms


Andrew Rosin

In a momentous effort to end vaping, Radnor High School administration banned the use of all school bathrooms. According to the administration, this genius tactic was taken straight out of the book of pest exterminators. In a recent interview Administrator #1 explained,  “If mosquitos cannot breed without stagnant water, then vapers cannot breed without bathrooms.” Administrator #1 later confirmed this logic as “sound and trustworthy.” Multiple investigative journalism reports have described bathrooms as incubators for some of the school’s most notorious vaping kingpins. They claim bathrooms facilitate the extensive multidollar illicit vaping trade hailing from distant lands on the Main Line.

There are multiple critics arguing against this recent move by the administration. It seems as if parents would like more consistency out of RHS and pled with Administrator #1 at a recent school board meeting to ban the locker rooms as well as tape off the back corners of classrooms. RHS Administrator #2 replied, however, that these proposed moves would give “any transferring students, teachers, or administrators an accurate a picture of how extensive the problem is at Radnor.” Furthermore, a recent report filed by the school district, working in close cooperation with gym teachers, asserts, “The physical benefits provided by P.E., such as the extensive exercise students get from playing competitive European handball, greatly outweigh any possible negative health effects of vaping.”

Both the company JUUL and the RHS Security Office are concerned by the possible economic side effects from banning bathrooms. JUUL is prepared to file a court suit against RHS for damaging the sales of their product. Furthermore, economists are saying that people should be prepared for NASDAQ to drop after the change goes into effect. As for the security officer, whose compensation package includes incentives for turning in kids who were caught vaping, the future seems particularly bleak. While he was offered to be payed off semi-illegally from the PTO’s secret stash, his recent comments seem to suggest that he’s leaning towards being a veterinary acupuncturist in Indonesia. It is still undecided as to who will take his position, but possible candidates include the nephew of notorious drug lord El Chapo and, as a last resort, one of the ever-changing school librarians.

The Radnor School Board treasurer acknowledged the possible economic downturn that this new policy will cause within the school  in a speech soon after the policy was announced. “We recognize that banning bathrooms will hurt the sale of illicit substances in the school,” he said. “In order to stimulate the school economy, we are considering legalizing marijuana for sale and consumption within the school boundaries.” Other proposals include a 50 cent tax on all items purchased at the snack bar, with the funds being distributed to vape lords who lost their jobs.

As for where students might go to the bathroom now that the plan is in effect, administration has a plan. “I have agreed to replace the vending machines in the pool lobby with porta-potties,” says Russell Dilkes, the head of Radnor’s food services. This installment of porta-potties has caused concerns about students’ health. As a response, the government has agreed that these porta potties should remain in the jurisdiction of the USDA and National School Lunch Act, which regulated the vending machines, meaning that these bathrooms cannot be operated during school hours. “We are so pleased here at Johnny on the Spot that Radnor is using our product. We have agreed to develop a new porta-potty just for the school,” claims Operations Manager Daniel Ritter. “Our Delux Johnny on the Spot 420 line of porta potties can accommodate 13 people during a normal work week, as opposed to the traditional 10. I do not know exactly how a ‘work week’ translates to a ‘school week,’ but hopefully 13 people can use it during some amount of time and our product is up to the high RTSD standards!”

While many people question the integrity and effectiveness of this new policy, the school maintains that it was not in fact created just to please the public. This point was reinforced by Administrator #3 in a recent interview with the Radnorite during which he proclaimed,“By pioneering this new anti-bathroom policy, RHS is continuing its tradition of leadership and creative problem solving, and hopes to establish a model for all other high schools to follow. In fact, we hope that this idea catches on and that other schools will start banning their bathrooms, too. As we like to say here at Radnor, one less bathroom is one less puff.”