Based on the results from the recent PAYS survey on drugs and alcohol, school administrators have concluded that approximately 78% of the student body is addicted to heroin. “The results are certainly troubling,” commented Vice Principal Brett Thomas. “I mean, what are the remaining 22% of students addicted to? Crack? We all know that people who take methamphetamines are losers.” Other officials are slower to accept the findings. “When I read the results, I had just finished smoking my third joint of the night. When I got to that question, I could have just misread “Are You Familiar With Heroin Addiction” for “Are You A Heroin Addict,” reported one of the survey’s analysts, who asked to remain anonymous due to his use of non-medical marijuana. 

“Questions 200 to 205 on the survey asked students ‘What Is Your Name?’ ‘Is That Your Real Name?’ ‘How Old Are You?’  ‘Why Are You Really Here?’ ‘Do You Work for the Government?’ and finally ‘Are You A Narc?’ to which 350 students responded ‘Yes,’” added Mrs. Kevgas. “It reflects badly on Radnor that none of these trained narcotic officers were able to catch even one of the schools 936 heroin addicts.”

Inaccurate answers are always a concern with surveys like the PAYS. Just last month, a poll of Trump supporters found that 98% of Republicans have had at least 3 family members killed by an illegal immigrant in the past year. In the follow up question asking where these aliens were from, approximately 50% of respondents said that aliens don’t exist while the other 50% gave nonexistent planets. Nadine Carol, Radnor’s drug rehabilitation representative, agreed that the numbers did seem steep: “While I can’t say for sure what a heroin addict looks like, I don’t think that there are 936 here at Radnor. Maybe if you include teachers that number would be more accurate, but in reality the true number is probably closer to 50%.” PAYS also included a special statement at the top of this year’s survey, which read “If you give false answers then you are a liar,’” emphasizing moral principles that would be difficult for any student to ignore. Additionally, the organization throws away at least half of the surveys–“outliers”– and asks each question at least 15 times to eventually guilt students into answering truthfully. 

Students raised concerns about the length of the survey, claiming that they were only on question 115 when community period was almost over and thus were pressured into answering questions quickly and likely incorrectly. While most experts agree that shorter surveys are more effective, PAYS is part of the new “Distract From Drugs” initiative, following the encouraging results of the 35,000 question survey about students’ exposure to aluminum alloys. Released by the government the previous school year, researchers found that it took students approximately 8 weeks to complete this survey and then an additional 2 weeks to go back and check that they spelled their names correctly in questions 1-1000. “As we like to say here in Radnor, every 3 seconds a new student becomes a heroin addict, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s 10 weeks where no students returned home one evening as a converted drug addict,” explained RTSD superintendent Ken Bachelor. Researchers were also able to record student’s general dissatisfaction with the low melting point of aluminum alloys and their resulting low tensile strength.

The results of this survey will certainly create new challenges for the school district. “I no longer know who to trust. Is everybody a heroin addict? Are students vaping heroin now? If so, where do I get some? How do we stop this?” said the Teachers Union in a recent statement. Despite all of the uncertainties, however, one thing is for sure: Rocket is stepping down from his position as Radnor’s Interquest Drug Detection Dog. Radnor first disclosed this information last night, going on to call the dog an “incompetent fool and a disgrace to the district.” “Rocket presented himself as an intelligent, charming dog during his interview, but I have now come to realize that he probably faked his credentials and cheated on his literacy test. There is no way that dog could sniff heroin out of a crowd of 936 potential and logical suspects,” remarked Mr. Thomas in an interview with the Radish, “I doubt he even graduated from puppy kindergarten.”

Radnor is currently attempting to identify all of the heroin users, declaring that each student could be part of a Mexican drug cartel. “We don’t know who the Kingpins are as of now. But we’ll go all the way to the mountains of Sinaloa to find him or her and take them down if we have to,” wrote Mrs. Kevgas. The school also developed plans to crack down on punishment. “Whereas in the past months if we caught you with a little opium poppy in your lunch box you might have been subjected to a light scolding, now you’re going right to a B Detention, no questions asked,” Mr. Thomas confirmed. 

The school plans to introduce Juan José Esparragoza Moreno as the new drug detection agent, claiming that his “familiarity with heroin will aid his ability to identify such products.” Additionally, they hope that his presence will send a message to students that “if you get seriously involved with heroin, you will grow up to be a glorified drug detection dog at a Main Line public high school.”