Late last week, the Radnor High School administration announced via Schoology and student government officers’ Instagram stories that they would begin taking attendance for online classes during the COVID-19 outbreak, requiring all students to sign in once per weekday at some time between 6 AM and 3:10 PM. The original announcement also noted that necessary absences would be excused if students sent a virtual note (i.e. an email) to the attendance office.

Following this message, students were understandably left with more questions than answers. What “obligations” are even left to miss school for when everything is closed — is my orthodontist appointment going to happen over Skype? Do I have to send a note about my family vacations to Rome and Wuhan? If someone is so bedridden that they can’t even do online school, how would they be able to send an email instead? If I get sick even though I’ve been holed up in my room for a week, is there any hope for the human race as a whole?

In response to these concerns, Radnor will apparently update its absence policy, stating that students who feel too ill to complete online assignments will be expected to live inside Radnor High School in order to isolate themselves from healthy individuals in their household. The Radish has obtained an advance copy of the press release announcing the update, and will reference it for the remainder of this article. 

The press release notes that Radnor’s vape-addicted students are “among the most vulnerable” due to their weakened respiratory systems, and expresses plans to “transform Radnor’s advanced learning environments” into hospital rooms in order to accommodate an influx of sick students. As of this article’s publication, doctors have already begun using Mr. McBride’s room as a walk-in refrigerator for laboratory samples. Due to the nature of American healthcare, entrance to the high school during this time will not be free — students will have to type their lunch number into a little keypad at the door, and any who cannot afford the insurance copay will presumably be sent home with a cheese sandwich.

The press release also finally announces a punishment for skipping Internet school: the “virtual detention,” in which the juvenile delinquent must have a staring contest with Dean Thomas over FaceTime. This comes just after a record-high 50 Radnor students were convicted of truancy by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Most of the perpetrators didn’t even know that they were committing a crime, but, because school is online and the Radnor police are getting dangerously bored, arrests for truancy are more common than ever. The criminals were prosecuted last week for heinous crimes such as “opening another tab,” “accidentally unplugging the router,” and “closing one’s laptop screen.” Needless to say, Radnor is much safer with these lawbreakers serving their debt to society from the comfort of their own homes.