Washington, D.C.—President Donald Trump addressed toilet paper hoarders last night, saying “Everyone needs to calm down. No one needs that much toilet paper, and if you do, we have a problem—probably colitis or diverticulitis or a perianal abscess…Anyway, I myself have two rolls less than I would normally have without the coronavirus in town.” However, a white house official dressed conspicuously in jeans and a white Calvin Klein t-shirt with the sentence “I do not work for the President” printed on the front was seen hauling in heavy duty Walmart bags into the White House. The words “Charmin 4-ply Extra Soft Sheets” showed through the bags and the outline of 2500+ toilet paper rolls was visible. A receipt from Walmart was later found on the streets, indicating that 3000 rolls of toilet paper had been purchased by the white house advisor. Apparently, Trump failed to read the fine print in the stimulus package’s terms and agreements which stated that “any purchase of more than 2997 rolls must be investigated by the Security and Exchange Commission”

When confronted about this incident, Trump angrily denied everything about the toilet paper carried into the White House. “I don’t know who the person who bought the toilet paper is. He, or she—I don’t even know their gender—has nothing to do with me or my toilet paper usage. Any attempt to try and blame me, is mean.” Trump lashed out against a reporter who questioned Trump’s mountain of toilet paper, calling it a “defecation from ‘Concast’”: “It is bold of you to accuse me of such a crime when I know what kind of GI problems people from Concast have. You guys must go through millions of rolls in a day.” No reporters from Comcast have been seen since this press conference. 

In an attempt to dispel any concerns about his toilet paper management, Trump offered to sell 100 toilet paper rolls (he did not disclose where these toilet paper rolls came from), on Ebay at $50 dollars a piece. “It’s a generous offer,” Trump wrote in the description under the items, which could be found on Ebay’s “Used” section. “Ivanka has added luxury toilet paper branded with “Ivanka” in gold lettering to her fashion line. I am simply selling the leftover toilet paper. Is that a problem?” Trump added.

This morning, Trump signed an $900,000 bill which called for the production of a $800,000 3D printer to generate four ply toilet paper rolls. “While in this crisis, I want to assure American citizens that the government is working to create the best possible solutions to combat the coronavirus. With this new and savvy technology, I will print millions of toilet paper rolls and we will ban the coronavirus from the United States”. Trump made sure to clarify that “only four ply” toilet paper will be manufactured, “I want the best quality for the courageous citizens of America.” 

Using the defense production act, Trump ordered David J. Ryder of the US Mint to transform all newly minted money into toilet paper. He proposed a bill named “Crinckle, Soften, and Crumple,” which will convert fifty and one hundred dollar bills into “the softest and highest quality toilet paper possible. All minted money will be redirected toward the production of green toilet paper. This innovative product is also eco-friendly and “green,”” he later added. 

Additionally, Trump has ordered geneticists to sequence a genome for a toilet paper growing tree. He explains “It is very sciency and accurate stuff. We need more toilet paper and this is an obvious solution with all the genetic sequencing that is happening today.” Trump went on to delineate the process: “We will extract DNA from a toilet paper roll, and then pipet it into an apple tree cell. These cells will replicate and the toilet paper gene will spread like cancer. And in the springtime, the apple trees will not only bloom apples but also beautiful bouquets of toilet paper. And get this, we will engineer these trees to produce five ply. Now that has never been done before.”

Also addressing the shortage of face masks and ventilators, Trump explained that the best solution is to employ “human ventilators.” He explains that the solution is simple: “teach ordinary citizens to act as ventilators. They will lock lips with the infected patients and pump air into their mouths.” Trump explained that this idea is similar to CPR, but for the lungs and not the heart. He continued on to describe how he earned a first aid certification in the third grade for being the “very best doctor in his class.” He ordered Physician Anthony Fauci to create a tutorial of this being performed and adds, “we will save thousands of sick US citizens with this new technique. I don’t know why anyone didn’t think of it before. I tell you, this coronavirus is really revolutionizing our nation.Very good things are happening, very good things.”

The CDC has also recommended that citizens wear masks, but Trump challenges this order. He explains, “These masks are harmful, not helpful. I suspect that the masks actually contain coronavirus particles inside the lining, which are waiting to infect the wearer. The Chinese government has put viral particles in masks in an attempt to spread the virus all over America. So you can wear a mask if you want to—I will not be wearing one, except in the bathroom, of course. Instead, I have found that writing “corona please stay away” on a piece of paper and sticking it to my forehead has been extremely helpful. If we ask corona nicely if they will stay six feet away from us, I have no doubt it will listen. A positive attitude is what will protect our nation. Also, my yoga instructor/therapist/son-in-law has told me that balancing on one leg while whispering, “Let us have peace corona. I will not harm you, if you do not harm me” is a fool proof method to ward off coronavirus. Another solution is to cover yourself in paraffin wax. With your body encased, the viral particles stand no chance. Melania pre-ordered fifty tubs of the wax from Amazon prime—I made Amazon categorize it as an essential item. An olympic marathon runner did this once, and I’m sure he did well.”

Additionally, Trump yelled at Andrew Cuomo for letting thieves plunder New York City’s Hospital’s supply of face masks. “The masks were disappearing at a rapid rate, which can only be explained by theft.” To prevent this, Trump ordered that no more medical supplies be delivered to New York. Trump said, “It is too risky. These masks could be going to real surgeons like my good friends Dr. Grey or Dr. Yang. Also, if we slow down the distribution of face masks and ventilators, the coronavirus curve and the number of new cases too will slow. It is a simple cause and effect relationship.”