When something goes wrong in the United States whose fault is it? President Trump and the GOP knew the answer back in 2016, and they know the answer now: everything is Hillary Clinton’s fault, including Covid-19. Trump said, “At first I didn’t believe it because I did not think a woman could spread a virus. I did not think women were strong enough, I still don’t. Hilary, she must be a cyborg; they’re totally nasty. Cyborgs. Nasty. ” Becoming more creative by the day, Trump has updated his formal rival’s nickname from Crooked Hilary to Covid Clinton.  Even though the 2016 Presidential election was four years ago, Trump knew that Covid Clinton could strike again at any moment to get revenge for losing, and now she has finally done it. 

At 12 a.m. on Friday, President Trump tweeted, “ Guess who spread the novel coronavirus around the U.S? Covid Clinton. I have handled this whole thing perfectly. Everything that went wrong in the U.S is because of her.” Trump went on to explain in a separate tweet, “ I have a lot of different nicknames for Hillary – ‘Evil pantsuit woman,’ ‘Swamp lady,”  but no, ‘Covid Clinton’ works best.” After an appearance on the Laura Ingraham show, Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s personal lawyer, said, “It’s Just as important to trace people for cancer and heart disease as for Covid-19.” Giuliani then went back on Fox News to accuse Clinton of conspiring with China to plant the virus in the United States. According to Giuliani, Covid Clinton, the Justice Department, and the FBI  put together a large operation to bring down President Trump. The Trump administration knows that the Russians are likely not involved since Trump and Putin recently had a chummy zoom call where they played virtual golf and ate chocolate cake.  In addition, a high level advisor in the White House reported that Putin gives Trump judo lessons once a week, and they are working towards a ground-breaking virtual competition. Trump told the media at a recent daily press briefing, “Putin and I  are very good friends and have lots of fun together, There is absolutely no way my great friend Putin would help Covid Clinton.”

According to Trump and his cabinet, the most troubling part of Hillary’s scheme involves the deleted emails found in her gmail account by former director of the FBI, James Comey. Unemployed and desperate for something to do in social isolation, Comey offered to put aside old grievances and give Trump a hand with  examining Clinton’s computer. Remarkably, Trump and Comey found something truly suspicious: deleted receipts for Peapod. The President was immediately alarmed by the questionable name of the company. As Trump  explained, “Anything with vegetables equals bad.” With more digging, Trump discovered that not only had Hillary bought the maximum amount of toilet paper on her Peapod account before anyone else could, but Bill had created a separate account to increase their toilet paper stash as well.  When asked about this situation, the Clintons explained that they had ordered some extra TP for their elderly neighbors and were in no way hoarding valuable resources. Trump was not convinced by this story, telling reporters, “I’m sure this is all lies. And if you check Covid Clinton’s basement, I bet you’ll also find a stock pile of face masks and organic eggs. Too bad she won’t be able to bring any of it with her when they lock her up.” Donald Trump Jr.  had his own take on the deleted PeaPod receipts, writing in a recent tweet, “ Dems coming at Team Trump about @realDonaldTrump not releasing tax returns. Well Covid won’t even give up her Giant Receipts–Corrupt!”

Unfortunately for both The President and Don Jr., the alarm raised about Hillary Clinton and her role in the pandemic was quickly forgotten after the most recent U.S news development: “ Hundreds hospitalized over the weekend after drinking bleach and exposing themselves to intense UV light.”   Hillary Clinton did not immediately  respond to requests for comment – she was too busy tending to her flock of exotic bats.