For the past three weeks, law enforcement officials have been facing an unprecedented challenge: tracking down the Easter Bunny.  

On Saturday, April 11th, to the delight of Radnor families, the Easter Bunny traveled throughout our town atop a fire truck. With the sound of the siren, the whirl of the lights, on this bright summer da the famed rabbit brought joy and laughter to the faces of many children, eager to receive a wave from the candy-bearing hare. Distracted by the joyous tradition of Easter, no one stopped to recognize the horror: the Easter Bunny was traipsing through the town without a face mask or gloves amidst the pandemic! Unbeknownst to the children,  disguised by the wide, eagerly happy eyes and cheerful ears, the Easter Bunny was, as some of us assumed, infected with COVID-19.    

According to Governor Wolf’s announcement in early April, all Pennsylvania workers and customers must wear masks. As an entrepreneur with a widely successful international business Single-Pawdedly, the Easter Bunny failed to abide by Wolf’s requirement. In 1983, the Easter Bunny trademarked the use of Easter and “Happy Hoppin’ Hare” related merchandise. After two spring seasons of legal battles, in 1985 the Easter Bunny and merchandise companies reached an agreement where the Bunny receives 10% of profits for all rabbit-merchandise sales. With this deal, he takes in about $10 million every Easter season from sales alone. To maintain this high profit, the Easter Bunny must maintain his high popularity by going out and spending time with the people — the purpose of his visit on April 11th.

This spring season, the Easter Bunny was looking to increase merchandise profits with more campaigning with gullible money geysers — or children. However, his plan was foiled when on April 2nd, though asymptomatic, the Easter Bunny tested positive for coronavirus. 

On April 5th, via zoom, Governor Wolf held a meeting with the Easter Bunny to plan for virtual visits, to avoid disappointing the youth of Pennsylvania. In fact, the Easter Bunny preferred the virtual meeting as it granted him protection from the governor’s wolf-like instincts, so to speak. At the conclusion of the meeting, the Bunny agreed to the governor’s terms. During the days approaching Easter, however, the Bunny carried out his original advertising plan.

 On April 20th, investigators uncovered profit calculations in the Bunny’s, or Hoppin’ Hustler as he now goes by, Wall Street office, predicting virtual meetings would lead to a 30% decrease in merchandise sales. Law enforcement officials assume that despite testing positive for Coronavirus, the Materialistic Mammal sacrificed the well being of America’s youth by continuing with visits and candy deliveries. 

Law-enforcing officials from around the globe have since put out warrants and cash rewards for the arrest of this corrupt bunny. Since Easter, reported coronavirus cases among Christian children have doubled, leaving millions confused, hurt, and dying.

“Frankly, I am offended,” says one Radnor parent, whose children the Rapacious Rabbit visited. “The Easter Bunny has disrespectfully and blatantly ignored universal procedure in the midst of this pandemic. From a hero in the eyes of Christian children, we expected better. Now we know he is just another money loving Wall Street scumbag.” The children both experienced mild flu-like symptoms, and tested positive for Coronavirus, but have since recovered. After their recovery, one child reported, “We thought that the Easter Bunny was going to bring us chocolate and jelly beans.” Instead, as another added, “He brought disease.” Even the Millenials have placed their own spin on the tragedy, as #theEasterBunnygavemeCOVID-19 and #lockhopperup are now, respectively, the number one and two trending hashtags on Twitter.

As a result of the bad press, the Easter Bunny has seen a crippling crash in his stocks. Investors, disgusted with the actions of the Callous Cottontail, have both sold their stocks and encouraged their friends not to support the enterprise of the Reckless Rodent. His merchandise sales of Happy Hoppin’ HareTM clothing are essentially nonexistent, which is no surprise as even the most devout Christians are disgusted with the rabbit’s irresponsible actions. 

Although Christian homes are primarily affected, the effects of the Money-Hoarding Herbivore’s  actions extend beyond religion. Those who are infected have spread the disease throughout their entire towns, to cultures uninvolved with the Christian holiday. The Easter Bunny’s visit to evangelical congregations, however, who defied social distancing regulations, proved most disastrous. The independence they may have achieved from ignoring quarantine was for naught as the majority of these communities are now confined to the ICU. In fact, doctors and nurses have begun converting to Evangelicalism because of their patient’s successful promotion of Christianity. 

In order to bring justice to the victims of his heinous crime, law enforcement officials continue to work tirelessly to track down the Cruel Carrot-Eater. The night of April 11th, reports swarmed police offices across the country warning law enforcement of the Easter Bunny’s reckless behavior. Law enforcement chose to hide out at the Bunny’s office on Wall Street awaiting his return, but their efforts were in vain, as the rabbit never showed up. 

Residents last sighted the Bunny, at 5:33 am, April 12th hopping around the corner of a suburban street in Wayne. Since then, the trail of clues has gone cold, and detectives have fallen down a rabbit hole of dead leads and useless information.

How do we respond to this tragedy? For one, we must remain resilient. We must spread awareness so that Santa Claus and Jack Frost do not make the same mistake, and we must all keep our eyes peeled for this heinous criminal, the once beloved Easter Bunny.