MIAMI–Brett Markey, a 23-year-old Florida native, enthusiastically praised Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s refusal to return to quarantine amid surging coronavirus cases. “Brah, I’m glad my dude Ronny is really sticking up for people like me, and that’s why I voted him into office,” Markey said, flashing what looked to be a cross between a gang sign and ASL sign language. 

Continuing, Markey explained that those worried about public health and the safety of their loved ones were ignorant and selfish. “Dude, my right to surf shouldn’t be affected by some old dudes dying, that’s their business, you know? People really need to quit being wave hogs when they die. Ever heard of rest in peace?” 

When asked if he was afraid of sharks while surfing, Markey shook his head. “Nah, brah, I’m not talking water waves, I’m talking coronavirus waves, you feel me?” 

Perplexed, reporter Alice Shelly asked Markey to clarify his statements. “It’s the new thing, brah. Catch coronavirus from as many people as you can. And spread it to as many people too, through parties and other social gatherings. It’s totally radical. I’m mega-stoked ‘cause this botched reopening has created some way cool corona waves!” Markey exclaimed. Shelly, visibly shaken and disgusted, took multiple steps backward.

Undeterred, Markey continued on, explaining, “With all the social distancing and beach closures, I kinda missed out on the first coronavirus wave, real bummer, brah. But I thank the divine spirit of the universe for the large portion of the U.S. population that doesn’t care about wearing masks and the well-being of at-risk citizens. Hopefully, we get a third or fourth wave with their self-centered and apathetic attitude!”

When asked to describe the feeling of “riding” a coronavirus wave, Markey grinned widely and began speaking excitedly. Spraying saliva as he talked in a frenzied state, Markey proclaimed catching a coronavirus wave was the “greatest, raddest adrenaline rush of all time.” He noted that much of the rush came from the side effects of a coronavirus wave, such as having a severe respiratory illness or being hooked up to a ventilator for weeks on end. Additionally, Markey added that the experience of “laying in the hospital bed in limbo, not knowing if [he’d] ever surf again” gave Markey a “high as high as [his] fever”. Furthermore, Markey said he especially enjoyed asymptomatic coronavirus, stating that the feeling of infecting multiple people and knowing those people would either perish or spread it to those that would perish gave him “boundless and neverending joy”.

Looking hopeful, Markey expressed his desire that the U.S. would continue to lack presidential leadership in combating the virus and allow normally apolitical issues, such as mask-wearing, to become politicized. “The only way for me to catch some more ranch-tastic waves is if the country is never united on the issue of public health. I hope to the divine spirit of the universe that the calamity of public unity will never befall me and my beautiful, beautiful corona waves.” 

Suddenly, Markey spotted an unmasked middle-aged woman heading toward a nearby bar. “Cowabunga, brah! I’ll see you, I got another wave to catch. Woohoo!” Markey shouted before stripping off his clothes, revealing a bathing suit underneath. 

Markey was last seen chasing after the woman, yelling, “Surf’s up, baby!”

Update: Brett Markey passed away last night from a particularly vicious shark attack.