It’s finally October, and everyone’s gearing up for their favorite holiday: Halloween! Sure, trick or treating and dressing up are fun, but the best part about this festive celebration is being scared and frightening your friends. You could go old school and whip out some spiders and snakes, ghouls and ghosts, vampires, werewolves, serial killers, the usual. Or, you could try a new but effective method of causing public fright. If you really want to scare your friends and torture them into doubting their existence and the fate of this world, start talking about politics.

It might sound boring, or maybe you’re traditional and prefer monsters and witches to Trump and Biden, but this is the most fear-inducing tactic since the invention of nuclear bombs. Halloween is all about testing your limits and screaming with fear, something my family, friends, and I have done numerous times since Trump’s inauguration. Nothing is more sure-fire and fail-proof than bringing the presidential debate up in casual conversation or acting like you disagree with your friend politically and not listening to any of their intelligent facts and arguments, the new alternative to jumping out from behind a tree and shouting “BOO!”

It’s no secret 2020 has been enough of a nightmare for anyone wishing for a very scary holiday this season, but bringing up the current state of our crumbling nation is exactly what should be expected from this frightful year. Nothing is more in-style these days than making every passing day worse than the last, which is just what you’ll accomplish by using our effective methods of fright. For those of us that have been counting the minutes until October 31 all year, America’s rapidly declining political system is the perfect festive topic to get you and your friends in the fall mood, so turn on FoxNews and get to work.

Sometimes it can be hard on the spot to remember exactly what detail about present-day America would be the most frightening, but don’t worry, because we have tons of ideas. Looking to scare a teenager? Mention cities burning, glaciers melting, countries sinking, and the fact that they might not have a future because of humanity’s danger to this planet. Want to instill fear in your parents? Mention that they may have a slight tax increase this year for making above 400K. Hoping to give Grandpa and Grandma a fright? Take a page out of Trump’s book and start infecting people with COVID. The youngsters might be a little trickier, as they are most likely still under the brainwashed impression that America has no faults, a concept the American public education system practically engraves into youthful skulls. It might do the trick to convince them they’re going to be aborted as fully grown and functioning children unless Amy Coney Barrett is put into office, because Democrats have been accused of killing babies in their free-time.

Instead of TPing your neighbor’s house on Mischief Night, steal their political sign with gloves and a ski mask, then dispose of the evidence. Rather than eating your favorite sweet candy, inject yourself with bleach to prevent the Coronavirus. Haunted houses? We all know the White House is the scariest, as just walking into the place guarantees you a chance at death (thanks Don!). Trade in ghost tours for polling locations patrolled by far-right militias, spellbooks for idiotic social media posts from PragerU or your local racist, and pumpkin carving for finding a minimum wage job that will pay your monthly rent. And, better yet, for the best Halloween you’ll remember for a life-time, walk around your neighborhood to find the scariest costume known to exist: a middle school-aged white boy dressed as Donald Trump, with a MAGA hat and orange wig. Every community has one or multiple, so it shouldn’t be too hard to achieve your most frightening goal. 

So, grab your pumpkin spice, Pillsbury cookies, cozy blankets, mail-in ballot, and apple cider, because horror movies are so last decade; this year, we’re celebrating by watching the 2020 presidential election results on November 3. Rated R because it’s too frightening for children, even though they’ll have to face it when the planet’s burning in ten years. Happy Halloween everyone!