“Who won the debate: Trump or Biden?” was the least important question Americans were asking after last Thursday night’s match-up. No, the much bigger takeaway was that Abraham Lincoln, the man who signed the Emancipation proclamation in 1863,  and Donald Trump, the man who consistently undermines BLM and supports White supremacists, are the two least racist presidents in American history. The real internet beef  between #16 and #45 began, however,  when it was time to determine who held the #1 spot for “Most Woke.” 

The debate between Trump and Licoln was sparked by Abe himself, who tweeted from his grave, “1/2 : Four score and seventy-five years ago, the president was most certainly less racist than you @realDonaldTrump.” He then followed with a tweet saying “ 2/2 : How am I the one who ended up with a bullet in my head and not this guy?” It turns out Trump has a secret fetish for the 16th president of the U.S, which he revealed at last week’s debate. Trump made sure to clarify that he does not believe himself to be Abe Lincoln, no matter how many times he dresses up in a black stovepipe hat and pretends to give famous speeches.

At the October 22nd debate, Trump stated, “ Not since Abraham Lincoln has anybody done what I’ve done for the Black community.” The current president is quite saddened, though, that he has not followed in Lincoln’s footsteps in the most prominent way possible: starting a civil war. Yet. Mike Pompeo, Secretary of State, explained in a recent interview, “Starting a civil war in the United States will be quite simple for Donald. He simply has to lose the election and refuse to give up power.” Pompeo acknowledges that this is not how the Civil War of 1861 began but would like Civil War II to be somewhat original. “Somewhat” because it will most likely still involve crazy racists like the Proud Boys, against the abolitionists, otherwise known as liberals.  Because Mr. Trump’s personal business ventures are practically bankrupt, (hence all of his tax return secrecy), he does not have the funds to pay for his own army. Luckily, the Proud Boys, the KKK, and other White supremacist groups have offered to volunteer for free. The suburban moms are largely conflicted about which side they would fight for. 

When looking into Trump’s aspirations, it is important to understand the perspective of his wife Melania. After observing some tension between the couple, reporters asked her if their relationship was going smoothly. Melania replied “ Oh yes, I often suggest we go to the theater. You never know what could happen to a president with the magic of  theater.” 

With election day so close, be prepared to hunker down and stay in on November 3rd. If you’re going to vote in person, don’t forget your bayonet, although only use it in the event of self-defense (no matter how angry you are).