At The Radish, it has always been our goal to indoctrinate Radnor students and use the publication to advance our political agenda. Thus, we’ve developed a comprehensive list for why you, the undecided youth voter at a government funded public high school, should vote Joe Biden for president this November 3rd. 

We Really Don’t Like Donald Trump

That’s about all we have for this one. We tried to make this sentiment as explicit as possible with the multiple articles we published in recent weeks that criticized President Trump for basically anything. We really wish we could say that this point is based on something substantial, like disastrous public policy, racism, misogyny, or xenophobia, but we couldn’t find anything of that nature. President Trump is one of those people you just kind of don’t like, you know?

We’re Pandering Towards Our Audience 

The comments don’t lie: our readers have loved our recent articles. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, as people continue to thank us for writing insightful critiques of the Republican Party. To express our gratitude, we wanted to publish an additional article that caters to our shared Democratic support. We know that all of the Radnor students and parents who click on this article will appreciate that we’re motivating people to get out and vote blue this November. We also hope that appealing to our liberal base will produce positive ratings and make our boss, an influential donor to the Democratic party, happy with our work.

We’ve Been Brainwashed by the Democratic Establishment

I think it’s time we come clean on this one. We at The Radish are hopelessly left-leaning and liberally biased. Despite how hard we try, everything we publish on our website turns out anti-Trump or pro-Biden. Last week, for example, we attempted to write a scathing critique of the Democratic party’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic. We spelled it out in clear terms: the Democrats opposed mask mandates, social distancing, and lockdowns. And then we realized that we were actually thinking of the wrong party. We’ll try again later, maybe with an article praising the GOP’s support of the Black Lives Matter movement. 

We’d like to take this opportunity to remind you one final time to vote for Joe Biden and every single Democratic candidate for the Senate at the polls today. We actually have a quota for the amount of political messaging we include in our articles, so we’ll say that again. We’d like to take this opportunity to remind you one final time to vote for Joe Biden and every single Democratic candidate for the Senate at the polls today. In fact, we suggest that you don’t even read the name of the candidate you’re voting for, as long as they have the little (D) next to it. If you trust us, don’t go research the candidates and what they stand for after reading this article. Take our word as the final judgment on all things politics, and go forth with confidence knowing that you have been influenced by the greatest left-wing propaganda machine in the world: The Radish.