In a recent football match between the Radnor Raptors and the Girating Giraffes, tragedy struck when animals from a local zoo trampled over multiple of Radnor’s football players. Victims suffered from broken bones, internal bleeding, and bruised morales. This devastating event was a cause for concern for many who attended the game.

“I’m never going to a football game again,” reported one terrified student.

“I wish the school board would DO something about this!” demanded another.

Local police have not yet found all the perpetrators but managed to bring in a 17-year-old elephant for questioning. The offender appeared to show little to no remorse for their outrageous display of behavior, responding with a series of grunts and proceeding to defecate all over the field. From what we know about the offenders, they were drawn by the heavenly performance of the Radnor Marching Band, presumably the drumline, and ran over as quickly as they could to enjoy it up front, along with all of the other zoo animals. 

Some have already threatened legal action against the Radnor Marching Band for beautifully playing Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” after the Raptor’s whopping 42-0 loss. “This is a tragic position we find ourselves in,” Principal Kevgas said in a public statement, “and I plan to remind the students about that fact in an 8-hour assembly during extended advisory this next Monday.” 

While the marching band has yet to be investigated further, the animals in question are facing charges of attempted murder, disturbing the peace, and general unsportsmanlike behavior. Meanwhile, the victims have been escorted to a nearby hospital for medical treatment. 

Authorities would like to stress the fact that there are still other criminals at large and therefore advise citizens to remain vigilant and dial 9-1-1 should any suspicious-looking animal activity be seen.