Disclaimer: the following article is not suitable for AP Psych egg babies to read, unless granted parent permission.

RADNOR, PA– The AP Psychology egg-parenting project is back in full swing, with it: the frightful realization that not everyone is fit for childrearing. Others, however, take the project a little too seriously. Last Wednesday, two students from period 6 AP Psych, Susan and William, were blatantly accused of being “helicopter parents” to their egg baby, William II Jr., after forbidding him from reading content that mentions other proteins. The partners denied the allegations, claiming that they just want what’s best for their egg. Susan and William released a statement saying, “Those children’s books about chickens or beans are an act of indoctrination. The last thing we want is for our egg, William II Jr., to feel sad because foods with more protein exist out there.” When we asked the two what books they strictly prohibit their egg from reading, they listed the following:

• Jack and the Beanstalk
• Chicken Little by Steven Kellogg 
• One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Suess
• The Little Red Hen
• The Three Little Pigs— pigs are one of the most protein-rich poultry options
• The entire Elephant and Piggie series

The egg parents also listed the following media, citing its “explicit scenes of egg-violence:”

• Humpty Dumpty
• Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Suess
• Are You My Mother? by Dr. Suess– This one is particularly bad because the egg is left to fend for itself, on a tree no less.
• Any commercial, tv show, or film that touches on the topic of Cadbury Eggs or plastic Easter eggs
• MasterChef– Big no no, far too many shots of eggs ruthlessly cracked into KitchenAid Stand Mixers

Upon further question, the two shared their approved book list for William II Jr., and his egg-peers:

• The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle– A friendly caterpillar who lacks a protein-rich diet
• Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! by Mo Willems– All around phenomenal literary series
• The Ugly Duckling– Teaches egg inclusivity
• The Good Egg by Jory John– They provided a disclaimer that they haven’t read this one, but the title has “good” and “egg” in it, which is very promising.

The greatest struggle of psychology class egg-rearing is keeping your egg from thinking anything contradictory from what you want them to think. Though seemingly naive, Susan and William assured us that this approach “keeps eggs happy, healthy, and overall confident in their own shell.” If you think your egg is one in a million, better to keep them from knowing that other, possibly better** proteins exist out there.

**Disclaimer: The Radish is not implying that foods with a higher protein content than eggs exist. The Radish is not certified to make claims on the basis of the protein hierarchy, and wishes not to offend egg parents.