The following articles were originally published in Band Bimonthly, a year-long journalistic project that decorated the bulletin board of the RHS band hallway. Although nobody on the staff of The Radish was able to decipher the extensive inside jokes and references included in the pages of the now-defunct music publication, we hope that releasing some of the Bimonthly’s stories to the public may provide anthropologists and amateur sociologists with a revealing glimpse into the minds and lives of Radnor’s most mysterious species.
Protests Erupt Over Halftime Song Order (Sept. 2025)
Musicians dispute placement of “Bye Bye Bye”
On Monday, several Radnor students marched to the band director’s office, holding signs with slogans such as “Farewells Should Be Final” and “No To Encores.” The demonstration was reportedly caused by the band’s controversial decision to place NSYNC’s hit 2000 song “Bye Bye Bye” fourth in the order of their five-song Fall 2025 marching show, “Larger Than Life.” In an interview with Band Bimonthly, a protest organizer asserted that the choice was deeply baffling, as the title of the song suggests very clearly that it should be the closer to the show. Defenders of the decision have pointed to the title of the show, noting that “Larger Than Life” serves as an “emotional climax and centerpiece” to the program and thus deserves its spot as the fifth and final number. A third, neutral group has been looking to sow chaos by suggesting that the true finale of the show should be “Mic Drop” because microphones are generally only dropped after a performance concludes.
As tensions escalate in the RHS music wing, community members are racing to find solutions to the unrest, such as making the band perform the show in reverse order to spite everyone involved and ensure that nobody wins. See Page 7.
Report: Bumpiness of Bus Was Intentional (Nov. 2025)
Discovery of a heinous plot rattles RHS band members
In a recent public statement, Radnor’s Department of Transportation announced that a bus carrying RHS band members back from a football game was purposely sabotaged as part of a nefarious conspiracy against low brass players.
Saboteurs with reported ties to Lower Merion were spotted messing with the vehicle’s suspension system, presumably aiming to cause injuries to musicians sitting with heavy instruments in their seats and damage to said instruments. Lower Merion’s band director refused to comment on the veracity of these claims. See Page 6.
Radnor Football Unveils Plan to Visit Penn State (Nov. 2025)
RAFO takes inspiration from RABAND
Following in the footsteps of the band, Radnor’s football team will be taking their own trip up to State College. On Wednesday, the district approved a grant for a week-long stay at THE Pennsylvania State University.
“Just as our marching band got to learn from the Blue Band, we’re going to gain some valuable lessons from the Nittany Lions,” an unnamed coach bragged to Band Bimonthly. “I want to teach my players how to crush the hopes and dreams of fans, to really break their hearts, to keep up the losing streaks. This is a perfect trip destination.”
When asked for comment, several members of the RHS band expressed that they felt flattered by the football team’s imitation of their ensemble’s original idea. However, one dissenter remarked that the plan is flawed: “I really don’t see much potential for an interesting trip here. Penn State’s Blue Band has whimsical twirlers and drum majors doing flips. They’ve got a stacked lineup of members, including the composer of the legendary ‘Fish Song!’ The football team has nobody on that level.”
In order to give teachers as much of a headache as possible, the RAFO trip is scheduled to take place right after the band’s Williamsburg trip concludes. See Page 7.
Band Ball Ring-Toss Rigged, Experts Say (Jan. 2026)
Bottles were allegedly modified to deflect rings and break people’s spirits
The Band Council has come under fire recently after a shocking report from the school’s math department exposed a scam it operated during Sunday night’s annual dance. Allegedly, council executives conspired to illegally reduce ring toss win rates.
The investigation is ongoing, but some have theorized the bottles were tampered with by a councilman protesting being forced to drink excessively during the emptying process for the bottles. In a heated mid-class debate, one student refuted this, arguing that no one would get angry from drinking too much good root beer. See Page 2.
Spring Concert to Feature Even Bigger Slapstick (Jan. 2026)
Exciting things lie ahead for Radnor Drumline
Thanks to rave reviews for the RHS concert band’s “Sleigh Ride” performance in December, it appears that comically oversized percussion instruments are here to stay. On Monday, plans were announced to debut an even larger slapstick in April.
Money is already being diverted from the stage crew’s budget for the spring musical, Anything Goes, in preparation for the laborious construction process which lies ahead. According to an anonymous cymbalist carpenter, “we’ll need all hands on deck for this one. It’s plain to sea that we should have probably started building this in August, but that ship has sailed.” The interviewee noted that in order to increase efficiency and gain more student workers, there are plans in place to temporarily convert the STEM Guitar class into a STEM Slapstick course.
Guiness World Record adjudicators have already accepted invitations to attend the spring concert and witness the shattering of numerous world records, as the new slapstick will reportedly take up a third of the auditorium stage and be played by hundreds of alumni. The materials will likely be sourced from local forests, which will be entirely chopped down to maximize ecological destruction. This will fit well with the song that the slapstick will be played during: “Vesuvius.” The slapstick is expected to be used as a metronome to assist the band’s counting of 11/8 time signatures. See Page 3.
Soloist List for “Proud of Me” Released (Mar. 2026)
You (yes, you!) will have a solo in this piece
In a recent bulletin board announcement, Marple Newtown pit director and Radnor band director Mrs. McDonnell announced that every single member of the band will have their moment in the limelight during the spring concert in late April.
The middle of the song “Proud of Me” will contain a solo section where each person will be given around thirty-two measures to show off their improvisational skills. Although the decision to spotlight everyone will likely bring the runtime of the concert to over five hours, most are in agreement that it will ultimately help build some much-needed confidence and self-esteem for RHS band kids. “This will make me feel a lot better if I mess up,” said a sophomore tenor flute player, “because I know that there’s still fifty-three or so kids going after me and there’s no way the audience would remember my mistake for that long.”
To help bring further attention to the talents of Radnor’s musicians, there have been talks of bringing in some members of the school orchestra to “keep things interesting.” An anonymous message submitted via morse code laid forth another potential plan: “We could have some Color Guard features. Maybe for the duration of the entire song, actually. And get some student conductors. Sitting is boring, so let’s keep the audience engaged by having everyone stand up and walk while playing. I’ve heard the football field has some great acoustics, so we could play there instead.” It remains to be seen whether Mrs. McDonnell will implement these suggestions into the spring concert. See Page 5.
“Magical Corporation” Sues Radnor Band (May. 2026)
The annual sing-along tradition has generated some legal controversy
In a shocking turn of events on Tuesday night, the Radnor band was notified that an anonymous “magical” company has filed a copyright lawsuit against them.
The suit alleges that the band’s beloved Magical Sing-Along fundraiser has been stealing its music repertoire and branding from the corporation all along, a revelation which has caused some outcry from parents and kids who were led to believe in the event’s originality. To address the situation, director Nora McDonnell has appointed several members of Radnor’s Mock Trial team to serve as actual lawyers for the band and defend them in court. “Actually, I’m kind of thankful for this whole thing,” an upstart Mock Trial freshman told Band Bimonthly. “Obviously it’s not ideal for our school’s public image, but this is the real-world legal experience I’ve been looking for.” See Page 4.
The Lasting Impact of the Williamsburg Ghost Tour (May. 2026)
Spirits continue to haunt RHS band kids
Months after hearing ghost stories on the band trip to Colonial Williamsburg, Radnor’s most brilliant musicians continue to live in fear of the paranormal.
In a GroupMe poll, a whopping 86% of the seven respondents reported that they think they see apparitions “at least five times per week.” Multiple students have supposedly experienced harrowing auditory hallucinations in the band hallway, such as “endless loops of Pomp and Circumstance” and “the sound of middle schoolers playing oboes.” Speculation has also arisen that the drum major room, one of the school’s most secretive and closed-off sections, is actually a home for the ghosts of children who lose too many drum major points. Unfortunately, nobody is brave enough to confirm the authenticity of this theory.
In response to these lingering fears, Mrs. McDonnell has announced that next year’s marching halftime show will be the Halloween-themed “Graveyard Shift,” with songs such as “Thriller” and “Ghostbusters.” She hopes that playing some fun and spooky music will teach band students to accept their new spirit-filled lives and enjoy the whimsical side of being haunted by specters. See Page 9.
Drum Major Audition Process Adds New Rounds (May. 2026)
Candidates will be judged by additional criteria
Over the years, a common criticism of the RHS band’s process for selecting drum majors is that candidates are forced to jump through too few hoops: only a measly application sheet, essay, marching audition, conducting audition, and interview.
Fortunately, that will change this week, as a surprise Remind app message sent out on Friday at 5:30 AM announced that next year’s process will be far more elaborate.
Candidates will be encouraged to have four years of band experience because super seniors have been statistically proven to be better at waving their arms rhythmically. In order to ensure that they can rapidly ascend shaky ladders and podiums between songs, they will be put through a rigorous obstacle course in the Appalachian Mountains. Other tests, such as a dance competition to find who can perform the best salutes, a seafood-eating contest, and an avante-garde pillow-themed fashion show will help to further narrow down the applicant pool. The current favorites to win the position next year are a group of rambunctious sophomore boys who paid off Band Bimonthly to say they’ll win it.
Radnor’s media team is currently working with several major television networks to finalize a broadcast deal that would allow these auditions to be aired nationwide as a reality game show. See Page 10.
