The School Temperature Report


Andrew Rosin

This past week, Special Counsel Brett Thomas released his redacted report after a semester long investigation into the school temperatures. Beginning in the winter of 2018, RHS students noted incredibly hot and humid conditions inside of the school, despite the cold winter that was raging on outside. Superintendent Ken Batchelor appointed Thomas to investigate these conditions, giving him the course of the winter to provide the administration and students with some answers.

While the report totals 10,385 pages, complete with interviews, wiretapped conversations, confiscated documents, old Giant receipts, a paperback copy of the Jungle Book, and half of the 1904 Farmers Almanac, one point is certainly clear: “Mr. Bechtold [redacted] was hiding [redacted] exotic [redacted] animals inside [redacted] the lockers of RHS.” Imported from José’s Amazon Rainforest Collection, Inc., hundreds of assorted Caimans, Capybaras, Jesus Lizards, Potoos and the occasional River Dolphins and have been found throughout the school. With temperatures ranging from the mid to high 80’s, and relative humidity levels close to 90%, these tropical animals had been enjoying optimal living conditions inside the school.

Further discoveries involving this case continue to shock the school community and explain odd events at RHS from the past year. When Mrs. LaTorre began her quest of zip-tying the lockers back in September, most people assumed that this initiative was designed to reduce the amount of drugs being stored within the school. However, after a group of cryptographers were able to decipher several thousand of her Schoology messages, it became evident that LaTorre was preparing to transform the lockers into animal enclosures before the first shipment of wildlife. Mr. Bechtold, fresh off of an online course by PETA on the topic of animal rights, preferred not to close the lockers. He reasoned that it would violate the Animal Welfare Act and Endangered Species Acts guideline of suitable living area for these animals, thereby explaining the delay involved with the implementation of the zip-ties over the course of the school year (Following a detailed investigation, The Radnorite is still unsure whether or not the school has actually put the zip-ties on the lockers).

Mr. Bechtold and his base believe that they have done no wrong, even though proponents of having Bechtold step down from his position as Official Curator of the RHS Wildlife Exchange Program cite a clear violation of the Lacey Act. “It is not a violation of school policy to accept a gift from a foreign animal business,” reasoned Bechtold’s lawyer Jillian Czar  in a statement shortly before the release of the report. Czar went on to say that Bechtold simply found an online ad for these unique specimens on WikiLeaks, and immediately knew that he had to purchase them. Doing a service for the Radnor students, Becthold wanted to release the animals onto the baseball fields at the end of the year in an effort to eliminate a portion of the goose population, as well as some of the less important baseball players. Additionally, Bechtold wished to increase the biodiversity of the area after a sudden decline in the common earthworm population following a season of exceptionally normal conditions.

José was recently arrested for illicitly trading wild animals without an updated driver’s license. A court affidavit also shows that he failed to comply with the FDA’s regulations for providing his animals with generally recognized as safe (GRAS) pet food, a violation of 21 CFR 570, 571, and 573. José declined to comment after Radnor sent a spanish translator to his press conference, an insult to his Brazilian heritage.

Despite all of the chaos over the past couple of months at RHS, there is one main takeaway from the report. Mr. Bechtold, back in October of 2018, made the trip to the Amazon Rainforest to inspect the animals for himself. Deep within the swamplands, waist-high in dark, dirty water, José turned to Bechtold and told him of the consequences Bechtold might face now that the administration was assigning a special counsel to investigate him importing exotic animals. Bechtold then turned to José and said “This is it. I’m mucked.”