In a surprise press conference this morning, President Donald Trump announced that his administration would be removing “winter” as a season. With the temperatures in the mid 80s, Trump opened the press conference with remarks about how wonderful the weather was: “Look at this terrific weather. It’s terrific. I can now golf all year round.” 

With his administration’s goal to cut inefficient government spending, Trump stated that the removal of winter would save thousands of dollars in ink costs when the 2021-2022 federal calendars are printed. Furthermore, Trump added that the “w” in “winter” costs nearly $0.00002 USD to print, due to the “totally unfair” trade practices of the Chinese calendar manufacturers. Thus, Trump explained, the “incredible cash” saved by removing winter could be used for “much bigger, better things”, such as sending personalized golf clubs to foreign leaders and businessmen.

He then proceeded to tell reporters that he had witnessed “fewer and fewer” snow in past years, thus invalidating the need for four seasons when “three is absolutely enough”. When reporters asked Trump if global warming was the reason for the decreasing snowfall, Trump grew red and shook his fist, responding that “the only thing warming will be Iran after a good nuclear strike.” Then, Trump explained to the reporters that he directed EPA chief, Andrew Wheeler, to reduce the rates of snowfall, not the rates of carbon emissions, because snow was “extremely bad for the economy and golfing”. Adding on, Trump declared that the only people who enjoyed snow either had “mental brain damage” or were “Low IQ Democrats”. 

Closing the press conference, Trump announced that the months formerly recognized as “winter” would now be known as “Fall 2”, and that the months formerly recognized as “autumn” would now be known as “Fall 1”. Amid growing dissent from the press, Trump reprimanded the reporters and said his plan was “extremely competent and smart”, as he had called up King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who told Trump that “it was the greatest plan ever created.” Trump then assured reporters that spring and summer would remain, for now, but promised that in his third term, his administration would roll out a plan to turn spring into “Summer 4” and Fall 1 and Fall 2 into “Summer 2” and “Summer 3”. 

Finally, President Trump proceeded to give the reporters a thumbs up, motioned for his caddy to follow, and boarded Air Force One.