Administration: People Will Die In This Year’s Senior Assassin Game

Administration: People Will Die In This Year's Senior Assassin Game

Andrew Rosin, The Radish Editor

Radnor, PA–The 2020 Senior Assassin game will not be canceled, according to the Radnor High School Administration. As seniors cope with potentially losing prom and graduation, the administration jumped in to explain that this year’s assassin game will proceed as planned and be the most realistic to date. “Under the current circumstances, people who participate in the game will die. It’s quite likely that by the end of the rounds, there will only be one person left alive,” commented Mr. Thomas.

While for the third consecutive year the administration has denied students’ requests to allow for the use of military grade semiautomatic assault weapons, grenade launchers, and landmines, the Coronavirus pandemic will provide for an equally exciting year of assassin. “Traditional warfare, including the use of standard guns, is outdated. This year’s rules allow for the modern day alternative of biological warfare,” the school explained in a statement, “we recommend that students purchase hazmat suits to ensure their longest possible participation before they are eliminated.”

With the addition of biological weaponry, the school expects an increase in hand-to-hand combat. “What’s my strategy? I’m going to impale my target with a Kleenex® 3-Ply Extra Soft Tissue. They get infected with the plague, end of story,” explained one senior, whose plan reflects the strategy of most of the grade. While kills within six feet of the opponent are the most risky, they generally are thought to be the most effective. Radnor High School has also officially banned the use of all sniper rifles and bow and arrows with infected ammunition, stating that “this gives the assassin an unfair advantage over his victim. We want to make this game fair, and enabling people with access to this expensive weaponry to use it would not provide a level playing field. Everybody can contract Coronavirus, so we encourage players to use it to their advantage. It’s more equitable.” The rule book denotes that repurposed hand trowels, pruning shears, and spading forks are all permitted, along with staffs and rocks to function as long range weaponry. In the personal protective equipment category, bedsheets and garbage bags are allowed, while paper Trader Joe’s bags are prohibited due to the expensive cost of purchasing Trader Joe’s products. 

Radnor is apparently not concerned with the health implications of this realistic assassin’s game. Out of “an abundance of caution,” the school attached directions to the Penn Medicine pop-up testing site in this year’s official rulebook, and said that anybody not wishing to participate in this year’s game has the opportunity of playing nurse. “One thing we want to make explicitly clear is that if you recover from the virus, you are not allowed to return to the game and are immediately disqualified,” the school explained, as “introducing people who are resistant to the virus would completely ruin the fun.” Participants who survive the virus are able to donate their blood to the school for the typical end-of-game rituals and festivities, but are not allowed to donate plasmas to any scientist or doctor developing a cure. This rule is in effect until the completion of the game.

The school has said that the biggest complication with the game is the 2-14 day incubation period of Coronavirus. Mr. Thomas presented a potential scenario: “You’re walking down your street when out of nowhere, someone gives you a hug. You don’t know why, but then you realize that you were their target. At this point, you probably have the virus and it’s too late. However, it’s possible that you don’t experience symptoms for two weeks, giving you plenty of time to cause serious damage to your own targets. This game is full of surprises.” The slogan of this year’s game is appropriately “You’re Not Out Until You Die,” and an obscure subclause in the rule book specifies that anybody who is asymptomatic will be “mysteriously disappeared.” 

“In the end, we just feel so bad for our seniors. So what better idea than to give them the opportunity to play the newest version of our beloved school tradition. For all those kids who want to grow up to be Typhoid Mary, we as a district are proud to introduce 2020 Senior Assassin: Coronavirus. Go get out there and cause some serious devastation,” exclaimed Mrs. Kevgas. Students can sign up for this game through the FBI’s Anti-Biological Terrorism Referral system.