Tech Department: “Surface Go’s Are Definitely Supposed to Do That”

“It states that these Surface Gos are flammable in Section 132.009 b. of the owner’s manual, which apparently were never delivered to students because they got lost in the mail.” --Victoria Glatzer, RHS Instructional Technology Consultant

“It states that these Surface Gos are flammable in Section 132.009 b. of the owner’s manual, which apparently were never delivered to students because they got lost in the mail.” –Victoria Glatzer, RHS Instructional Technology Consultant

Andrew Rosin, The Radish Editor

Two weeks after a student’s Surface Go tablet caught on fire, a panicking RTSD technology department released a press statement in which they claimed that the Surface Go’s are “100% definitely supposed to do that.” The press release included a potentially edited image of the Surface Go’s packaging, which the Tech Department argues clearly depicts numerous hazard symbols. “It was always our understanding that the Surface Go’s are combustible,” explains Technology Director Dr. Byron A. Cook. “In fact, this special feature was one of Microsoft’s main selling points during their pitch to the district. This built-in self-destruct mechanism guarantees that the Surface Go’s will catch on fire before all of their other technical issues are revealed.”

Rendering of the original Surface Go boxes, courtesy of the RHS Tech Department.

Radnor High School organized a Microsoft representative’s visit to classrooms earlier in the school year to help students better understand their tablets: “While these visits were effective in teaching students how to switch their Surface Go’s into reading mode, the Microsoft employee most likely forgot to explain how to turn the flammability setting off,” hypothesized RHS Technology Support Personnel Foley Hurt. While this mistake would explain why the Surface Go’s would begin to catch fire after the pre-programmed 3 months, the district is slow to say these issues are the fault of this one man. “I have no idea who is responsible for buying the Surface Go’s in the first place, so I don’t know who to blame,” explained Mrs. Kevgas, who later disclosed that “it’s always a safe bet to blame the PTO so [the district] will probably go with that.” The majority of the theoretical healthcare technology economists that the district consulted with predicted that abandoning the Surface Go program now and returning to iPads would probably be more cost-efficient for Radnor in the future when the school accounts for medical and legal fees that result from the Microsoft tablets.

Most Radnor High School students suspect that the underlying cause of the Surface Go fires was a lack of technological expertise among the RTSD Department of Technology, who were tricked into purchasing the products off of a scam website. An analysis of the district’s financial transactions suggests that the school did not buy Microsoft Surface Go’s at all, but an impersonating brand, like the infamous Macrosoft Surface Go’s. Mrs. Glatzer recalls that the website she found the tablets on redirected her every 45 seconds to a screen that said she won a free, two-person trip to the medieval city of Rothenburg ob der Tauber with her choice of fictional Disney Character or deceased politician, as long as she provided her social security number and bank account pin so that William I the Conqueror could transfer the tickets to her World Travel Inc. account himself. “One night last Spring I got a call from Mr. Bechtold. He told me he was mad at Apple because he could no longer download Mr. Bullet–Spy Puzzles from the iTunes store. I told him that made me mad, too, and that everybody could play Minecraft if the school switched to Surface Go’s,” remembers Mrs. Glatzer. That night, Mrs. Glatzer began searching for alternatives to the iPads, which is when she found the Surface Go’s listed as the first search result under “Inexpensive Device Thingys for Students.” “When I clicked on the link, there were three options: Normal, Flammable, and Explosive. I obviously bought the flammable ones right then and there because they were the biggest bargain, which I know is important for Radnor families. The cost boiled down to about $1 per tablet, which means that the other $149 that students’ paid for them could go towards paying off our Apple debt.” 

Radnor Communications Assistant Allison Gangl was quick to point out that currently zero Radnor students have died from Surface Go fires. “More people die every year from eating contaminated Okinawan Purple Sweet Potatoes than from being caught in a Surface Go fire,” reminded Mrs. Gangl during a press conference for anxious Radnor parents. “In response to the critics who believe the school should have invested in Surface Pros for everyone, I promise the only thing that you get from those tablets is a much bigger and more powerful fire, in addition to a much less glitchy device.” According to the US Office of Science and Technology, Surface Go fires account for approximately 0.15 deaths per year. The only known death that could be linked to these tablets occured in 2017 when a 103 year old woman ate her Surface Go and died of ‘old age’ 3 days later. After ruling out alzheimers and dementia, officials still do not know why she ate her Surface Go.

Students have frequently complained that the smell of the melting Surface Go’s is “nauseating.” During a brief investigation, however, the school determined that the smell is “completely normal for burning metal and is not of any danger to students if they follow the fire drill procedures properly and get outside in less than five minutes.” A letter from the Students Union Against Surface Go’s, which technically does not even exist and is officially recognized by only the Student Union for Recognizing Other Student Unions, argues that in this investigation the school failed to address the more serious issue of why the Surface Go’s are combusting by instead validating the legitimacy of the smell that these burning Surface Go’s produce. “I promise we sent the tablets in for testing,” wrote Superintendent Ken Bachelor. “Unfortunately, the only thing we found was that our Technology Department is incompetent.” Mr. Bachelor concluded: “In all seriousness, I honestly don’t know what these Surface Go’s are supposed to do, but I’m sure whatever they’re doing is good.”