“On the Birthday of the Constitution, We Have to Remember That It Is Very Old”

Summer Update

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Andrew Rosin, The Radish Editor

(June 21) On the anniversary of the ratification of the Constitution, President Donald Trump delivered an Oval Office address in which he claimed that the historic document was outdated and archaic. “When James Madison wrote the freedom of assembly clause in 1787, he could not have predicted that citizens would take advantage of it three centuries later to protest police brutality or systemic racism. No Founding Father could have imagined that the Due Process Clause would be manipulated and purposefully misinterpreted into giving an African American man legal rights” Trump declared. The President added that in the 18th Century no author of the Constitution could have anticipated independent oversight committees or federal prosecutors attempting to indict “some very good guys.” President Trump continued to stress the importance of Congress amending the Constitution to correct the “ambiguous and no longer applicable” provisions of the original copy. “There was likely only one religion in the 1700s, only one. I know that nobody practiced transgenderism until much later,” President Trump theorized, explaining that it was outrageous to think George Washington would have wanted to guarantee Freedom of Religion to anybody except Christians, unless the Christians are being a nuisance. “The Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution to allow the citizens of the United States to protest taxation without representation and to enable politicians to criticize the public for demanding we release our tax returns,” President Trump concluded, clarifying that the two examples were one in the same and equally intrusive. On Saturday night, Trump was found lobbying Congress to make the KKK a protected class under the 14th Amendment, arguing that the Constitution’s old age renders it useless in protecting “modern day special interest groups.”