The Presidential Among Us Battle


Kyle Wang

Due to the increase of COVID-19 cases, a decision was made over Zoom to cancel the future presidential debates. Joe Biden, 200 feet away from his computer and speaking with four separate masks (one for the nose and mouth, one for the eyes, and one for each ear), was willing to cancel the debate. Donald Trump, on the other hand, was very irate and wanted to personally issue a warrant to raid Joe Biden’s house for not complying with the President of the United States. A final debate would be critical for Trump, as he is currently behind in the polls.

Joe Biden did not want to have his house raided less than a month away from election day. Biden decided that he wanted to further appeal to a younger audience, more specifically, the Gen Z teenagers. He thought of his grandson telling him about his “sick 1v5 impostor clutch in Among Us”. His grandson told him that as impostors, you try to sabotage and kill everyone in the game. This was Biden’s aha moment; he realized that he could use this game to prove to America that Trump is trying to sabotage America. He took advantage of this opportunity and  a week later, an Among Us lobby was scheduled in replacement of the final presidential debate. It was decided that the winner of the game would automatically become the president of the United States.

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Mike Pence were scheduled to battle each other in a private Among Us game. However, with only four people, the moderators realized that the game could not really be played. The mediator quickly made a solution to just invite all of the other former Democratic presidential candidates to play and give them a chance to win the election. Andrew Yang, Bernie Sanders, Michael Bloomberg, Elizabeth Warren, and even Obama, who has an anonymous first name, were added to the game. Sanders couldn’t figure out how to even download the game because it turns out that he still had a MacIntosh 1984 Apple computer and a Nokia Flipphone, neither of which were compatible for Among Us. As he was escorted to the local Costco to buy a new Macbook, a random player taking the persona of “G-Eazy” joined the game. No one knew who he or she was, the mediators couldn’t figure out how to kick him, nobody wanted to spend another thirty minutes for each of the contestants to enter a new lobby, so they just ended up starting the game anyway.

The chosen impostors ended up being Michael Bloomberg and, surprisingly, G-Eazy. Almost instantly, Donald Trump and Mike Pence went straight to cameras to try to catch someone, mainly Joe Biden, in the act of colluding. He was let down when he realized he could only watch four hallways with minimal activity. Trump was never able to do anything else outside of watching cameras because Bloomberg walked in,brutally stabbed him, and attempted to flee the scene. Mike Pence, however, had witnessed the entire encounter and had sufficient evidence to eliminate Michael Bloomberg, the impostor. After Pence reported the body, the meeting quickly deviated from the game, and towards Trump’s inability to control COVID-19 and his ignorance about climate change. As the lone republican, Pence was eliminated with his final words being: “democrats are never logical”. 

The next round, Michael Bloomberg had his mind set upon eliminating Kamala Harris, mainly because he was upset that he was not picked as Joe Biden’s running mate. He went straight to the weapons room, hoping to find some weapon to kill her from long range, but was disappointed to find out that he could only shoot asteroids. He eventually found her in communications and snapped her neck, but accidentally self-reported. Donald Trump was very concerned about what Harris was doing in that room, but as a dead ghost, there was nothing he could say or do. G-Eazy, on the other hand, got a kill on Elizabeth Warren, who was stuck in the cafeteria and could not figure out how to move.

After the first two rounds, the players remaining were Michael Bloomberg, G-Eazy, Andrew Yang, Joe Biden, and Obama. With two impostors and three crew members left, the crew members needed to utilize the meeting time to get rid of one impostor. Luckily, Andrew Yang’s math hat was on turbo mode, as Yang had already constructed a rectilinear graph within mere seconds. Taking note of the constant velocity, he concluded that the only way Bloomberg could have gotten to Kamala Harris was through a vent system only accessible by impostors. Biden and Obama were too busy conversing with one another to recognize what was happening. The two only voted Bloomberg after Yang aggressively yelled at them, upset that they would “dare contradict the math hat.” With Michael Bloomberg eliminated, G-Eazy would have to fight an uphill battle to win the game, but more importantly, the presidential position.

As soon as the next round started, G-Eazy closely followed and subsequently snapped Andrew Yang’s neck because he would likely call out G-Eazy if left alive. G-Eazy then sabotaged the oxygen, which had to be fixed by the crewmates, otherwise they would lose. However, the flashes of red put Joe Biden and Obama on alert. The color red, the color of the republicans, struck fear into Biden and Obama. As the timer slowly trickled down towards zero, they died a tragic death in the corner of the navigation room, ultimately giving the win to G-Eazy. This anonymous figure is the new president of the United States.

The identity of the G-Eazy persona is not definitive. Some sources say that he is an exotic dancer somewhere in Asia. Others say that he is just a tenth grade student that writes for some irrelevant satire publication called the Radish. Questions about the eligibility of G-Eazy for president in either scenario were only considered for a few minutes before deemed irrelevant, especially considering the competence of Donald Trump when he was in office. Perhaps the biggest question becomes: who will be his vice president? It certainly won’t be Bernie Sanders, as he has still not returned from his local Costco.