Trump Seeks Emotional Damages

This is satire.


Gerry Atkinson, Radish Staff Writer

Since Election Day, the Trump campaign has filed more than a dozen lawsuits in key battleground states in an attempt to stop ‘illegal’ voting and counting that doesn’t work in the President’s favor. Trump refuses to concede the presidency and will not stop pressing his cases in court “until the rightful winner is seated.” His refusal to quit is admirable, like Eddie the Eagle in the winter Olympics or O.J Simpson. However, the vast majority of lawsuits that Trump’s campaign has filed – in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia –  have already been dismissed. But the President has one last trick up his sleeve: suing the American people for emotional damages.

U.S. law recognizes emotional distress as a type of damage that can be recovered or compensated with a civil lawsuit. This statute means that if you have evidence to support your claims, you can sue someone or a group of people for emotional trauma. After the projections and election results naming Joe Biden as President, Trump is now claiming that he has begun to feel timid, small, self-conscious, shy, and unconfident, as well as suffering from erectile dysfunction which he claims “had never ever happened before, until this election loss.” At one point, Trump gained hundreds of thousands of votes from American males for gregariously flaunting his manliness. While his hypermasculinity was a defining feature of his campaign in 2016,  he is now using his new timid, soft boy persona to amass pity and support. The President claims that organizations such as CNN and The New York Times have been ruthlessly bullying him for years on end now with hate mail and slander, but as the top (wounded) dog in town, the support is finally flowing in. 

Whether you’ve been fired, forced to retire, faced sexual assault allegations, or reached the end of a contract, losing a job is one of the most stressful things that can happen to a person. Trump is currently dealing with this massive loss and is slowly making his way through the stages of grief. He has been through denial, refusal, non-compliance, and defiance, and is trying his hardest now to face his feelings. Trump has publicly stated he is writing about his feelings, making new friends, and seeking help from professionals. A large portion of the money raised by the Trump campaign for his lawsuits have instead been used on various emotional support pets, a psychologist talented enough to deal with Trump, and body pillows with Putin’s face on them. 

Trump’s lawsuits are really just politics disguised as lawsuits. It is incredibly unlikely that the Trump campaign’s efforts could sway the election in any real way, but that’s not the point. Trump wants the spotlight and for all eyes to remain on him, and boy is it working. Trump suing for emotional damages, or more specifically suing for “always feeling down and a sense that he will never be good enough,” hits home for many Americans. He is relatable, likable, and most importantly, votable. The aggressive, non-compliant, negotiator Trump is now dead, and Joe Biden and the American people will pay when Trump is reelected in 2024, 2028, and 2032.