Amy Coney Barrett Steals the Election

This is satire.


Akshay Sethi, Radish Staff Writer

Appearing at the White House for her swearing-in as a Supreme Court Justice on October 27, Amy Coney Barrett committed an amusing gaffe wherein she unintentionally decided the approaching US Election for Trump on the spot.

“I, Amy Coney Barrett, do solemnly swear to disregard all the ballots in Pennsylvania and declare Donald J. Trump president!” said Barrett before the entertained group of Republican politicians, lobbyists, and donors.

“I adjudicate that to be an embarrassing mistake! But relax, everyone, we’ll unquestionably still be rigging the election for Trump within the approaching weeks,” Coney Barrett added, before returning to her swearing-in. Instead of expressing shock at Coney Barrett’s slip of the tongue, witnesses report that President Trump responded, “That was the deal. It was a great deal, the greatest ever,” before promising to “act surprised” when the 6-3 conservative majority court decides the election for him within the following few weeks.

For their part, the assembled crowd took Coney Barrett revealing the months-long Republican strategy to maintain permanent minority control through dubious court decisions in good spirits. “We’ve been working on this within the shadows for years,” chuckled Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, “so having ACB come out and say the quiet part loud – and nothing is going to be done to change it – well that’s quite a breath of fresh air.”

McConnell then excused himself to go laugh at some videos of orphans crying.

Reactions to the Coney Barrett election gaffe were mixed, though most pundits pointed to her confirmation hearings strategy of never answering one question as a reason not to worry. “She probably didn’t actually mean that thing about subverting the will of American voters through a stolen Supreme Court,” explained CNN’s Jake Tapper, before turning to a segment about whether Coney Barrett’s election-stealing reveal meant Joe Biden would pledge to pack the Supreme Court.

Reached for comment, Senate legislator Chuck Schumer reacted to Amy Coney Barrett’s comments about stealing the election by promising to send her “a slightly less nice” fruit basket than the one he was already about to send.