Donald Trump’s Day Off (aka Inauguration Day)

This is satire.


White House

Official portrait of President Donald J. Trump, Friday, October 6, 2017. (Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead)

Sammy Rosin, Currents Associate Editor

As always, the outgoing president of the United States, Donald Trump, has a variety of reasons for his most recent shocking decision: skipping the 2021 inauguration. Although Trump  has decided to skip President-elect Joe Biden’s swearing-in ceremony, the choice has nothing to do with being a sore-loser. Instead, Mr. Trump has planned his most perfect last day in the White House, including preparing some good-natured pranks for incoming President Biden. Trump has invited some of his most “special” and “loved” friends to join him on January 20th, including his favorite Proud Boy members, Ray Cist, Vye O. Lence, Holme A. Phobe, and Mayls R. Bettur.

Trump’s innovative plans for January 20th became public through Twitter, per usual. He has created several new twitter accounts under aliases since twitter suspended his main account after he used it to incite violence on the Capitol on January 6th. Although intended to remain secret, a leak to the media has exposed his new twitter handles, which include:  @antifa_lover, @joebyeDon and @Hillaryclintonfan. Throughout the past few days, Trump has explained his plans for inauguration day to “the real ones,” as he classifies his few remaining Nazi and KKK followers. These followers are actually an important part of his final day. A special group of white supremacists will make the journey to the U.S capitol to meet Trump for a round of “Ring around the White House and to “remove” all the windows in preparation for Biden’s arrival. After the group has enthusiastically redecorated the White House grounds, Trump plans on taking his buddies for a tour of the place to pick out souvenirs. One supporter, @antifa_lover,  tweeted over the weekend “ I recommend taking the George Washington portrait when we calmly rampage through the White House. He was a great guy. Had lots of slaves.” Other MAGA fans are likely to fight over Obama’s portrait. David Duchess, long-time associate of David Duke, commented, “Us patriots will draw a mustache, devil horns, and maybe even a pointy white hat.”

After Trump says farewell to his loyal admirers, he will begin working on his personal touches around the White House for the Biden family. He will focus mostly on the West Wing bathrooms. Mr. Trump’s most recent tax documents, those that exist, show an exemption taken for a purchase of bubble wrap, clear tape, and 1 million ants (plastic or live TBD). The tweet by @Irespectwoman, one of Trump’s favorite pseudonyms, “Can’t wait to hear all the noise abt Joe Biden (on the toilet),” can only mean that he plans to wrap the toilet seat in clear bubble wrap so that it pops when Joe Biden sits down. The clear tape could only be used to cover up the faucets, and no one seems to have any idea what Trump will do with the ants. When congress certified the election results, the charge for 535 whoopie cushions appeared on the White House credit card. 

The final moments of Trump’s time in the White House will involve some of his closest companions, or at least those who are not in jail or who have not canceled him.  Trump and Rudy Gulianni will mattress surf down the main staircase, imitating their favorite movie The Princess Diaries. Melania finally can sneak into the right office to steal a green card and some official US citizen papers. Don Jr. and Eric, on the other hand, will grab their passports and some visas to unknown, far-away countries like “Puerto Rico or Hawaii” and hope that no one finds them. Even Ted Cruz plans on stopping by and also staying permanently while adding the title “President” to his name.

Donald Trump has many plans for the near future. He wants to start his own media company, one that will strictly spread misinformation and hate on liberals. Brainstorming for books he wants to bring to jail needs to begin. But while the world is on the edge of their seat hoping “sleepy Joe doesn’t fall asleep as he takes the  oath,” Trump plans on having himself a great last day as someone relevant.