Another High School Experience Down the Drain 

“The Radish offers satire and parody as commentary and critique on matters of public interest. No article posted on the Radish should be taken literally or viewed as representing truthful statements of the individuals or organizations which may be mentioned in the articles.”


Gerry Atkinson and Tess Brennan

On January 17th, 2021, the RHS School Board had a virtual meeting to discuss assessment changes, annual data reports, their weekend plans, sports news, and the new PE requirements for all Radnor High School students. The following is a section of the transcript of the meeting (Minute 113:49). 

Ken Batchelor: Pardon me if I am being pool-itically incorrect, but I don’t  believe that it’s  every kid’s right to learn how to swim, so who really cares?

Ken Batchelor: Over the course of their existence, the beginner and intermediate swim courses at RHS have been swim-pressive, but in terms of safety, they have gone off the deep end.

After Mr. Batchelor’s strange comments and swim puns, Mrs. Kevgas just said, “Wow” and the School Board moved on without saying anything. Overall, the meeting went well, with many heated debates from the more passionate committee members and civil discussions about whether or not Ken Batchelor should go wine tasting. They unanimously decided to “pull the plug” on all of the swim courses for the rest of the school year and immediately notified all gym teachers that “Pull the plug” is an idiom most commonly used when referring to a sick grandparent or a situation that must be stopped. The latter version is exactly how Mr. Batchelor intended it to be interpreted, as well as being a hilarious pool pun. He never intended for it to be taken literally.

On November 20th, three days after the “pull the plug” decision was announced, several freshman students were taking a very quick swim test while wearing snorkels to insure Coronavirus safety. During the test, a gym teacher finally heard about the decision to pull the plug on swim classes and pulled the plug on the pool. All of the students were sucked into a cartoonish whirlpool, and were never seen or heard from again. Some say they drowned, and some say they went to live with the sewer people. Either way, it was still a PR crisis for Radnor High School and the district. The gym teacher was let go, Mr. Batchelor was banned from using puns, and swim classes were canceled forever. 

Yet despite the loss of numerous students to the sewers, which honestly aren’t much cleaner than the pool itself, the School Board, alongside Athletics Director Mike Friel, had already decided to let the swimmers practice. But not without increasing the number of Covid precautions first. At the timestamp 694:20, the board members finally began to discuss the upcoming winter swim rules.

Mike Friel: We assume our swimmers will be asking where they will put their masks while practicing. On the pool deck would certainly be unsanitary, but we are already one step ahead of our aquatic friends. There will be no complaints about where to put masks during practice because it will be on their faces.

Ken Batchelor: I’m just going to cut in for a second. To all those tuning in from home, we took many hours to discuss this, and the only downside that we could think of is it might, and I cannot stress this enough, might, slow the swimmers down during a race. But possibly disrupting the swimmers aerodynamics is a risk we’re willing to take in order to follow proper precautions.

Wearing a mask in a pool seemed like a bigger threat than the Coronavirus in and of itself. Radnor High School officials have made countless precautions while trying to ensure the health of its students, but have they gone too far? This time, Radnor Superintendent Mr. Batchelor answered quite nonchalantly. 

Ken Batchelor: I propose that our swimmers should start waterboarding themselves on their own time. In doing so, they’ll build up tolerance for when we force them to self waterboard every day during practice. At this point it is extremely necessary. No team is off the hook or getting special treatment, even *does air quotes with his fingers* sports that practice and have meets in a pool.

So you heard it here first: Radnor High School condones and promotes the military banned torture tactic of waterboarding. For those curious as to what waterboarding is, it is when someone is forced to put on a mask and participate in a two hour long swim practice. With the water at the temperature of a warm bathtub and an air circulator that has been broken for almost three years now, our swimmers do not stand a chance. Radnor officials have made it quite clear that they have the best Covid combating methods, but is risking the lives of students really the best combatant? Now School Board President Susan Stern takes the floor for a final and quick witted closing statement. (Minute 702:45)

Susan Stern: If the students happen to drown, same as the ones who were sucked into the whirlpool may they rest in peace, will they still have the ability to get Covid? No they won’t, because they’ll be dead. 

In a public apology zoom meeting, Mrs. Kevgas started off her speech with a tasteful riddle; “What do you say when your dad is wearing a speedo in the pool? Spee-don’t! And speaking of which, spee-don’t take off your masks in the pool or you will be speeding down to the emergency room when I’m done with you”. There was no unmuted laughter or clapping emojis, and the meeting went on solemnly. It reminded everyone to not trust the gym teachers, that banned military torture tactics are useful in schools, and to ignore Mr. Batchelor the majority of the time. This is a dangerous time we live in now, but at the very least everyone has been reminded that the pool isn’t always splash-tastic.