Grubbin with the Boys: GFUEL edition

Grubbin with the Boys: GFUEL edition

Noah Conen, Director of Food Publications

Generally, when 100,000 Americans die in one month, that is a pretty crappy month. When your government is overrun by a mob of citizens at that same time, the month in question slips down slightly further on the all-time month rankings. When your school administration gives you a school day even though it was supposed to be an asynchronous day, say no more, it is the worst month in US history. Screw you January. In an attempt to try and make the month in question a little better, I have decided to release another Grubbin with the Boys that will probably get published in April because that is just how the Radnorite works (take that Davis!)

GFUEL. It is what little kids snort to try and improve their k/d on COD. It is what 12-year-olds shotgun to crack 90s on Fortnite. It is what your little brother keeps asking forever since he saw it in a PewDiePie video. GFUEL is the latest trend, and due to all of us being imprisoned in our homes, you probably have heard about it if you watch YouTube. It is an energy formula powder that you mix into water that improves your focus, endurance, and energy; hence, it is being advertised as gaming fuel. As a sweaty Call of Duty player, I can confirm it actually works really well. My first time using it was actually before a wrestling tournament; I just so happened to dominate at the meet as well. Yeah, I really owned the scorer’s table like a beast (Remember the whole knee turning into scrambled eggs, except the eggs are ligaments thing). I felt very sleepy since getting up before 8 is kind of unnatural at this point, so I decided to try out the magic powder. I ignored the recommended ratio, proceeded to take a heaping scoop of it, and threw it into some water. I expected lovely strawberry banana power-juice, but instead it tasted like harsh chemicals and bay area biogenesis clinic bananas. On the bright side, I got superpowers, so let that be a lesson, kids, that taking too much of something can have its benefits. I am just kidding; in the words of Nancy Reagan, just say no.

Since gamer formula is so much radder than free ice cream, my friends easily scheduled this episode, and I almost forgot that it was supposed to happen until another person texted me that he was going to be able to make it. This edition went so smoothly; I could not believe it. No one had to take allergy medicine or got kicked out of a restaurant- a resounding success! Not only was the process surprising, but so was the actual GFUEL. My friends and I went in thinking we would rate these flavors based on if they were edible or not, but all were actually quite refreshing and tasted great: so, without further ado, here are the flavors. Just kidding, here are the reviewers.

The reviewers:

Connor O’Sullivan

Noah Simone-Dobin (SD)

Gaven Williams

Jesse Conen

Me (Noah Conen, in case you forgot)

Note – All but Strawberry Banana were in the KSI Blacked Out starter kit. 

8th place: Fazeberry – (Description on GFUEL website – Pomegranates, Strawberries, & Acai Berries – These 3 delicious fruits are what make up the FaZe Clan’s Signature flavor – FaZeberry! #FaZeUp! #FuelUp! FaZeberry is the Official G FUEL Flavor of FaZe Clan!)

Poor Fazeberry. All the GFUEL we tried was actually pretty darn good, but there has to be a low point, and that was Fazeberry. I would recommend this flavor to people who like beverages with only minimal fruit flavor because that is exactly what it was. It was very thirst quenching, but that was only because it tasted like lame flavored water. That does not mean that it was that bad, but compared to everything else, it was subpar, at least according to Jesse. It was sweet and sour, which apparently made SD angry and “killed his taste buds.” SD also pointed out that it reminded him of fun dip, which was quite the realization since we all started laughing in agreement to that comment. The harshest criticism, however, was towards the name. This was the second drink we tried, and the first was Raging Gummi Fish, so you can see why we were disappointed at the cringe-inducing Fazeberry moniker. Other descriptions were that it was disappointing, weird-smelling, mediocre-tasting and unfulfilling. The hate was so overwhelming that I had to make sure my reviewers were describing Fazeberry and not me. Just kidding, I have so much clout that you have to make a reservation to hang out with me.

7th place: Blue Ice – (Description on GFUEL website – As one of the three OG G FUEL flavors, Blue Ice, much like fine wine, has only gotten better with age! This flavor tastes reminiscent of those blue slushy drinks you would grab at the corner store – Simply delicious!)

Quick! What does Blue Ice make you think of? I will give you 3 seconds. Since most of the children at the high school are in what I like to call the “Breaking Bad phase,” I do not think I have to explain this joke any further. Blue Ice was once again, not bad at all, but merely subpar compared to the others. In fact, I described it as “less strong blue Gatorade”, which is my favorite flavor. So, like Fazeberry before it, it was extremely thirst quenching at the cost of not having much flavor. Connor thought it tasted like “blue cotton candy minus the goodness,” and everyone else pretty much agreed that it was essentially diluted Gatorade. However, at least the color looked really cool; it was fluorescent blue and reminded me of something you would see in Star Wars. Speaking of Star Wars, if you are reading this article and have not watched it, I need you to stop reading, sit in a dark room, and think about what waste of oxygen you are. 

6th place: Snow Cone – (Description on GFUEL website – It is the middle of July. It is a million degrees outside. The AC in your house is broken. Your pool is broken. You dare to go outside. The baking hot sun is beaming down on you. You just missed the ice cream man. All hope is lost. The end is near. Or so you think…You remember something! There is one last beacon of refuge! You run back in your house, sprint to the kitchen, open the fridge…and there it is… an ice-cold Shaker full to the brim with G FUEL SNOW CONE…SWEET RELIEF!!! THE SHAVED ICE OF THE GAMMA GODS!!! Life makes sense once again.)

This was basically the last flavor juiced up on some testosterone. If blue ice was a hand grenade, this was a straight-up Kim Jong Un nuclear bomb. I guess Gamma Gods must really like Gatorade huh. This flavor is probably really popular among Fortnite kids because it looks exactly like a shield potion. To test my theory, I showed it to my little brother, and it set off his Fortnite obsession which culminated in him laughing like a psychopath and calling me dog water. I will bet you 700 dollars that doctors are going to start prescribing little kids with Fortnite disease because it takes the patience of a saint to not want to throw him out a glass window when he calls me dog water. Jesse described this flavor as having a periwinkle color and reminding him of the dentist for some weird reason. SD seemed to have recovered from his Fazeberry anger because Snow Cone made him happy, even though he described it as tasting like toothpaste but better. Gaven once again in his signature Zodiac Killer calligraphy wrote what I believe says “Bouncy flavor”? I would recommend this flavor to anyone who has a little brother suffering from a Fortnite obsession and wants an excuse to chokeslam them onto a table Bills mafia style.

 5th place: Grape– (Description on GFUEL website – Imagine an effortlessly-cool jazz musician, but in liquid form – That is what Grape G FUEL is like. As far as taste goes, it reminds us of grape juice or a grape-flavored candy.)

I know I am not the only one, but I think lots of grape-flavored consumables taste like sizzurp and misery. So, you can imagine my lack of surprise when Grape GFUEL became the newest member on that list. However, it is barely noticeable and actually tastes pretty solid. The makers of GFUEL must have a thing for popular beverages because this tastes just like grape Kool-Aid albeit waterier. The general consensus of comments focused on its intense grape flavor, slight cough medicine notes, resemblance of Kool-aid, and deep purple color. I guess GFUEL makers also like dentistry because SD said it also reminded him of getting fluoride from the dentist. To that, I say, who the hell gets grape-flavored fluoride at the dentist and not mint? I love the feeling of minty fresh overload followed by an ice-cold sip of water that makes you think you just drank liquid Russia. Just to clarify, I did not mean THAT liquid Russia, I was making a cold joke.

4th place: Raging Gummi Fish– (Description on GFUEL website – Ramen. Ranting. Realness. Raging. These are the things FaZe Jev is renowned for. But guess what? Now, Mr. Jeverson is known for another thing…HIS VERY OWN G FUEL FLAVOR!!!!!! INTRODUCING…RAGIN’ GUMMY FISH!!!! Just look at how we captured the true essence of Jev! The anger! The passion! The menacing facial expressions! The patented pink headset! The fact that the flavor was literally inspired by his love for gummy fish!!! SIMPLY INCREDIBLE!!!! SUCH ATTENTION TO DETAIL!!! THE TIME TO RAGE IS NOW!!!)

Raging Gummi Fish- what a name. That alone got it past all other flavors on this list so far. However, this was quite an interesting start to our taste test. Raging Gummi Fish indeed tasted like, you are not going to believe this, liquid gummi fish. It was slightly off-putting at first, but really nice after the initial surprise. The one complaint I had about this flavor was that it was noticeably less thirst-quenching than all the others. I do not know why it was that way; perhaps drinking liquid candy is not exactly appealing after activities such as running or lifting. This flavor somehow made SD mad again, as he labeled it a cross between Rita’s water ice and liquid sour patch kids; Connor also agreed with the water ice statement. Jesse was slightly bored by the flavor whilst also agreeing with the sour patch and Rita’s sentiment. I assume Gaven also said that because I am not even going to bother cracking his writing at this point. Raging Gummi fish is named after FaZe Jev, who I have never heard of before, but when everyone from Lebron James Jr. to Ugly God is a member of FaZe clan, that is not necessarily surprising. Do not call me Sherlock, but based on the description of his flavor, I assume he rages a lot. Screw food reviews- I am going to start my own detective agency.

3rd Place: Strawberry Banana – (Description on GFUEL website – Listen. When you take a RAP GOD, a RING KING, and a YOUTUBE SENSATION and roll it all into one, you get a true recipe for success! And when you add some STRAWBERRIES & BANANAS to that equation? Well, let us just say you get UTTER AND ABSOLUTE PERFECTION – aka – KSI’s STRAWBERRY BANANA GFUEL!!! Get yours now!!!)

Fun fact number 1: this flavor did not taste like uranium after mixing it in the correct ratio. Fun fact number 2: I watch the Sidemen RELIGIOUSLY, so when I saw this flavor, I bought it faster than your puny retinas could receive. The Sidemen are an immensely popular YouTube group; essentially to England what the Paul brothers are to the USA except the Sidemen are funny and do not vlog dead corpses. KSI is a member of the sidemen and by far the most famous of all of them. His GFUEL flavor is nigh perfect except for one thing. Its aftertaste is quite strange which is the only reason why it’s not number one. The banana definitely overpowers the strawberry, but that makes it unique since most strawberry-banana consumables are the contrary. This beverage must have brought out a side to Gaven we had never seen before because he described it as tasting like James Charles, who he said he really liked with a winking eye. Moving right past that, everyone seemed to really enjoy this flavor, with compliments to the beautiful color, great flavor, refreshing taste, and smell. The only dissenting opinion came from SD, who said it was too fruity. You guys should 100% check out KSI. He, and the rest of the Sidemen, relieved enough of my boredom to get me through the summer without wanting to axe murder my family-maybe they can do the same for you.

2nd Place: Green Apple– (Description on GFUEL website – Imagine a liquefied granny smith apple mixed with a bit of sourness and a pinch of magic – That is what Green Apple GFUEL tastes like. A true classic!)

Green Apple, Blue Raspberry and Grape are my least favorite flavors of candy in general. I always think they taste like sweatshops and chemicals, but Green Apple GFUEL was an absolute maverick. Instead of a sour, artificial sludge, we got an extremely natural tasting drink. It was sour, but like an actual granny smith apple, extremely refreshing, slightly sweet and great smelling. All the reviewers pointed out its great smell, fantastic taste, sour notes and refreshing flavor. The only complaints were that the packaging was boring, and I nearly lost my appetite when I called it booger colored. If GFUEL is reading this, maybe make the color of this flavorless phlegmy and more natural apple toned. Nevertheless, I highly recommend this flavor to anyone who loves apples and wants to have 3.00 k/d in cod.

1st Place: Bahama Mama– (Description on GFUEL website – Calling all Roman Atwood fans! Calling all delicious beverage fans!! Calling all G FUEL fans!!! THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF G FUEL IS OFFICIALLY HERE!!! And let us tell you…IT’S POSITIVELY TROPICAL!!! IT’S IMPOSSIBLY REFRESHING!!! IT IS…ROMAN ATWOOD’S BAHAMA MAMA G FUEL!!!!! Get yours today and teleport yourself to a remote island made of PURE G FUEL!!!!)

I have never watched a Roman Atwood video before, but after trying his flavor of GFUEL, I ought to marry him. Bahama Mama was one of, if not the, best tasting energy drinks I’ve ever had. It was sweet, thanks to all those fruity flavors of pineapple, mango, orange and coconut. It also had a beautiful blood orange shade to it as well. Strangely enough, it tasted like sunscreen. I know what you may be thinking; that sounds absolutely vile. Let me paint the picture for you. You are on the beach, when all of a sudden, a coconut, some mangoes, oranges, and other tropical fruits come crashing down on your sunscreen, and it magically becomes an edible drink. It’s hard to describe; you simply have to taste it to believe it. This flavor of GFUEL is just so good that anyone will like it.

Here were our ratings out of 10.

Thank you all for reading; I hope you all enjoyed it. If you didn’t, please notify me in person, so I can personally beat your brains in with a baseball bat. I don’t know what the next edition of Grubbin will be- probably tacos or something. After all, Grubbin and failed plans go together like loneliness and me on Valentine’s Day. How can Radnor’s hottest food reviewer and most eligible bachelor be lonely on Valentine’s Day? The world is rigged.