The Finger Licking Lavatory Lounge: This Year’s Delicious New Food Chain

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The top secret Finger Licking Lavatory Lounge schoology group. Per request of Foodlegger, future codes have been redacted.

Ellie Davis and Nathan Kellerman

A group of bright entrepreneurial students at Radnor have successfully launched a new business: The Finger Licking Lavatory Lounge (FLLL). Why eat in established Radnor High School dining locations like the cafeteria, black box, back gym, or courtyard, when you can participate in the gourmet eating experience provided by the Lavatory Lounge?

The mastermind behind this business venture, who has asked to be called “Foodlegger” in the interest of anonymity, shared that the idea for the new food chain came to him after he became tired of the cafeteria food in the pandemic era. “The daily Uncrustable, hot dog, celery sticks, and occasional plastic bag of cherry tomatoes just wasn’t cutting it,” he said. “I soon realized the serious need in the market for quality, gourmet, sanitary, and nutritious food.” He spoke to the chief venture capitalists of the student body, established a board of directors, and within weeks opened up the first location of The Finger Licking Lavatory Lounge.

Students loved it. Some have even expressed frustration with the popular demand for the larger, more luxurious wheelchair-accessible stalls for dining; currently, the soonest reservation in FLLL’s most popular location is three weeks away. Foodlegger is working tirelessly to open up new locations in the bathrooms by the auditorium, the cafeteria (to divert customers from the official RHS dining) and the south social studies wing to reach the ever-increasing student demand for tasty toilet nibbles.

To ensure that you are not an unwanted diner or administrator, entry into a franchise is only allowed after completing a specific set of secret steps. In the wrestling room bathroom, for example, procedures change daily. Just last Tuesday, entering involved locating the third floor tile East of the second sink from the entrance, planting one’s left heel on it, spinning around exactly three times, and performing the first verse of the “cha-cha slide.” Students looking to enter their dining area must then repeat a sixteen digit randomized code distributed daily through a secret underground schoology group (see above). After successful completion of each step, a trained host or hostess will bring you to your sanitary tile seating. Failure to comply with any of the established steps results in removal from the schoology group and a lifelong ban from all FLLL franchises. A flustered Foodlegger has deemed these comprehensive steps necessary, as “you never know when you’ll hear the erratic beeps of an administrator’s walkie-talkie foreshadowing their arrival.”

Last Wednesday, the FLLL encountered a close call when Mrs. Kevgas took to the loudspeaker to request that all students cease dining in RHS’s bathrooms. This was announced after what Mrs. Kevgas, Mr. Buterbaugh, and Dr. MacNamera made what they claimed to be “an extremely successful and worthwhile stakeout.” After camping out all night in the main lobby, the three administrators quietly army crawled through the lobby bathroom FLLL’s not-yet-strengthened defenses. “AH HA,” shouted Mrs. Kevgas the next morning as she towered over students enjoying eggs benedict under the urinals. The administrators immediately locked down the crime scene with an excessive amount of caution tape and sent the implicated students to the vice principal’s office for suspension. Mrs. Kevgas then went back to the main office, where she made the announcement to the school about the FLLL.

“I don’t know who ratted on us, but I intend to find out,” said Foodlegger. Luckily, the lobby location remains the only FLLL site identified by administrators, and the four other locations throughout the high school have maintained operations.

“Our dining locations appeal uniquely to the senses, with smells, sounds, and sights like no other—the back gym’s echoey chaos just does not compare. The culinary breadth of the FLLL is massive, and we plan on bringing high quality bathroom buffet style meals to all students of Radnor.”

Foodleger has big plans for the future—he plans on hiring a new security staff deemed the Secret Student Dining Defense Force to prevent any further detection from administrators.

As for now, get your reservations as soon as possible; we recommend the foie gras, food critics say it’s to die for.