The Radish Busts COVID Myths

“The Radish offers satire and parody as commentary and critique on matters of public interest. No article posted on the Radish should be taken literally or viewed as representing truthful statements of the individuals or organizations which may be mentioned in the articles.”

Sarah Tachau, Radish Associate Editor

Last year, The Radish produced a step-by-step guide on how to properly wear a mask amidst an increase in COVID-19 cases and freedom fighters who wished not to be suffocated by a disposable piece of cloth. Though initially effective, this guide lost traction as the average American was unsatisfied with the lack of immediate results. Now, Omicron is surging throughout the US, hitting Radnor with a spike of new cases and threatening to cancel families’ weekend ski trips this winter. “I just returned from Turks and Caicos this past break to read a heart-stopping headline in the Mainline Media, ‘Radnor considers reintroducing one-way-only staircases amidst Omicron COVID crisis’. Can you imagine the instability this change would cause?”, commented a distressed student. Unfortunately, with the route south-eastern PA is taking in regards to mask-wearing and safety, the future is looking grim. In an attempt to prevent such tragedies from making a comeback, The Radish has debunked several COVID myths in and outside of the Radnor community.


“I-can’t-see-you-you-can’t-see-me” Myth:

The believers in this commonly-held myth stated that if they do not get tested, they cannot get COVID. Much like the common hide-and-seek game strategy, if one stands right in front of the ‘seeker’ and closes their eyes, they cannot get eliminated because the ‘seeker’ will never be able to find them. The CDC has innumerable articles and instructions about proper quarantining steps after testing positive, implying that these steps are only necessary if you test positive. Don’t test, no positive result, problem solved.  


To test this myth, a psychologist at the Johns Hopkins University School of Nonsensical Medical Treatments, Phoebe Crowland, interviewed several believers in a therapy-like setting. Crowland’s conclusions revealed that a number of these individuals exhibited ‘Conflict Phobia’ or the fear of confrontation. 


“Brownie Points” Myth:

A myth commonly seen in public schools, students may grab a disposable mask at the door, then proceed to walk into the building while simultaneously taking a suspiciously long time to put the mask on correctly. Some of these brownie-point winners have stated that they prefer to be very careful about positioning the mask underneath their nose to maximize comfort throughout the day; others cite the confusing build of disposable masks, “We have this piece of fabric with two ear loops on the side, and no set of instructions included?” states one bewildered believer. In both cases, the individual is under the impression that physically holding a mask counts as enough brownie points to equal wearing the mask accurately.


“COVID Variant Collectables Challenge”:

Introduced by the creators of ‘Pokemon Go!’, the ‘COVID Variant Collectables Challenge’ is a trend in which participants attempt to catch as many variants of COVID as they can in order to unlock ‘total immunity’. Since it was introduced last October, this challenge has led to an increase in large social gatherings, despite CDC recommendations, with party-goers attempting to ‘catch em all.’ One committed player commented, “Why be afraid of a little cold-kinda virus when you can go out there and become immune to every kind of COVID. Add a vaccination to all that and you’re a COVID killing machine.” Another eager participant added, “I thought this challenge was pointless, that was, until I got the rare Delta variant and all my friends were jealous because they had only caught Omicron.”


According to the wise words of American intellect Kelly Clarkson, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…unless it’s COVID.”


“I’m dehydrated” Myth:

A new favorite tactic in public schools, students will get a cup of water to drink periodically in class as an excuse to wear their mask under their chin. When the PA Board of Education was approached with this concern and asked to stop providing paper cups by school water fountains, they declined to act, with a representative stating that “taking away the paper cups would do a great disservice to the students who exercise their creative thinking by building cup pyramids.”


For the same reason as the ‘Brownie Points’ myth. You aren’t slick, no one takes that long to drink a quarter-cup of water.

Although the creation of new COVID myths is inevitable, The Radish is devoted to debunking the falsities of this pandemic.