RTSD Announces $2 Project to Replace RHS Non-Functioning Lights with Wooden Torches


Sarah Tachau

Upon wrapping up construction of the Radnor High School athletic addition, district officials confirmed the next large-scale, fully-funded-by-your-tax-dollar project: replacing all overhead lights with wooden torches. The executive decision was prompted by the school’s weekly power outages, “Radnor should be, beyond a place with the best facilities to bench press 250, a place to learn,” claimed one administrator, “and learning requires light.” This anonymous figure spoke alongside several community members at last week’s school board meeting. Numerous esteemed professionals backed this proposal; one UPenn optometrist reported that “light is necessary for 100% of humans to read,” and a psychologist cited the detrimental effects that power outages have on the workplace productivity of those who are afraid of the dark. Concluding the evening, a unanimous decision was reached to follow through with construction, working with a $2 project budget– enough to ditch all overhead, electricity-powered lights. The construction, formally called “Light Up Radnor” is set to begin June 15th, and end in the fall of 2043. 

Since Light Up Radnor was announced, a handful of parents expressed concern for the fire safety of the school. The RTSD administration quickly responded to the pushback with the following public comment: “Our fire alarm system may or may not function. But we want the Radnor community to rest assured, ignorance is bliss.” Meanwhile, the district emphasized a future in solving Radnor’s other maintenance flaws, “We have received complaints on the unpredictable flushing capabilities of the Radnor toilets. To solve this inconvenience we propose a future project, “Fresh Air Radnor:” converting all bathrooms to outhouses located behind the dirt pile on Prevost.” Fresh Air Radnor could be a game changer, district officials claim, with the second step after outhouse construction being the removal of all wifi and internet access from the property. The school board boasts that the expected budget for this project is 50 cents.