My humans complain about sheltering in place for 3 weeks. Well, for those of you who don’t know, in doggy time it’s been almost a  year!  And let me add, I have not had an easy time of it. Humans are a ton of work and a huge nuisance to live with. I love them very much, but a few hours in the morning and evening is plenty of time spent together.

I’ll start, though, with what I enjoy about this whole being stuck at home thing. I have three older siblings, and two of them, the boys, eat all day. This means that I get to eat all day too. It certainly takes some energy to spend so much time making  puppy dog eyes, but I can guarantee that I’ll get food at almost any hour. One boy gets up at ll am, the other at 1pm and then both eat multiple meals until dinner at 7:30, when the tired alpha male gives me lots of treats, which for some reason makes the mom unhappy. There has also been an increase in the amount of time they all spend sitting on the floor scratching my belly. Clearly this pandemic has improved their productivity, including constant belly scratches, photoshoots and tiktoks of me, and as I mentioned earlier, lots of treats.

Unfortunately, it can be exhausting having the people around all day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a nice walk around the neighborhood, but recently it seems the humans have nothing better to do then walk me around outside. As soon as I think I get a break, another one wants to go around the block for some “fresh air” or to “ stretch my legs.” Do they not understand I have more important things to do, such as sleep?

And these people clearly do not know how to keep a schedule. I walk around the block all day and go up to bed strictly at 11. Well, the boys have decided that with nothing to do all day, they can clomp around and  bark loudly at 3 in the morning when I’m desperately trying to go to sleep. And don’t get me started about the oldest one. He is gone for years (my time), and then comes home and thinks he owns the place. He eats the food scraps that should have been mine (although he occasionally shares), blares the loudest music (EDM??? Is he trying to give me a doggy seizure?), and cannot even find the time to scratch me because he is so busy talking into a glowing rectangle. Lately he has been so badly behaved we may have to send him to puppy boot camp if we can ever socialize again. Honestly, who comes late to dinner (and why can’t I Take his place at the table when he isn’t there)?

I have a few questions about this whole COVID-19 thing too. Why are the humans wearing masks over their snouts? It must make it impossible to sniff anyone’s butt, especially from six feet away. And you would have to take it off every time you licked the floor, ate a stick, or chased a ball! The other thing I really don’t  understand is why people are concerned over toilet paper shortages. Personally,  I find  toilet paper useless. We should be much more concerned about this lack of chicken and turkey in supermarkets.

I do have a lot to be grateful for. Brave  men and women still drop off  big boxes that have toys and treats for me, but for some reason, my enthusiastic welcome sends them running. Maybe it’s my toothy smile.  Some other men still drive around in that giant stinky truck that I love to follow, and everyone else seems to be outside all of the time, so there are lots of new smells around the block. Additionally, my humans, although they can be annoying, are healthy, and I am glad to have them around (literally all the time…).

I suggest to all you humans reading this article to take a page out of my playbook and spend your days sleeping, eating, and walking outside. And for the sake of  your friendly neighborhood pup, please stay six feet away from other people to flatten the curve! I need the house back to myself.