As the Coronavirus descended on the United States, certain corporations reacted with creative, innovative, and world-changing inventions:

Tesla

Tesla’s ventilator being made primarily out of car parts is not the device’s most impressive feature, as their innovative piece of medical technology can also toast bread, bagels, and frozen waffles.

Juul

Juul developed a 3-foot long vape to serve as a social distancing reference point when vaping with friends, furthering the company’s mission of promoting questionable health trends.

Febreze

Febreze released an Air Fresh-Harvest Pumpkin Spice scented face mask for pleasant Fall smells wherever quarantine takes you. The artificial pumpkin fragrance is not recommended for use near people with compromised respiratory systems.

Wood Machinery Manufacturers of America

Oblivious to the ongoing pandemic, the WMMA continues to produce artisan oak tables and chairs for local coffee shops throughout the country. They could have at least tried making hospital beds or something, right?

National Public Radio

With the creation of their new program “All Things We Haven’t Considered,” NPR successfully tricked listeners into thinking that the radio station was not repeating the same stories every day. 

Clorox

With emergency clearance by the FDA, Clorox released a new bleach product packaged in a syringe to help consumers beat back coronavirus with the power of CloroMax Technology. If the injection does not stop the coronavirus, along with all your major organs, Clorox promises to refund your purchase.

Nike

Nike launched a revolutionary face mask for sports and athletic activities during the pandemic. With an innovative new AirMax Perforation System for ultimate breathability, the Nike AirMax Vapor Mask guarantees 90% breathability for 0% pathogen protection. Hesitations about buying a face mask full of holes? Shut up and JUST DO IT.™

The Communist Party of China, Inc

The decorated R&D team of China’s Communist Party developed the novel Coronavirus.